Joke of the day

[Graham 0]

Newspaper headlines in the year 2029

 

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh

largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.

 

 

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as

Mexifornia's third language.

 

Baby conceived naturally - - scientists stumped.

 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

 

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least

10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

 

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported

legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 036.

 

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and

reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

 

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight

loss.

 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter

speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

 

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

 

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil

rights.

 

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[bentflyrod 0]

:hyst: :hyst: :hyst: That is a good one graham.

[Guest]

 

 

> A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the

> > window, "I want to open a goddamn checking account."

> >

> >

> > The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have

> > misunderstood you. What did you say?"

> >

> >

> >

> > "Listen up. Damn it. I said I want to open a goddamn checking account

> > now!"

> > "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in

> > this bank."

> >

> >

> > The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to

> > inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does

> > not have to listen to that foul language.

> >

> > They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer,

> > "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?

> >

> >

> >

> > "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million

> > bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my goddamn money in the

> > goddamn bank."

> >

> >

> > "I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard

> time?"

 

[KVRNut 0]

Last night, my girlfriend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, Dependant on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

 

 

 

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.

 

 

[KVRNut 0]

Oldie but a goodie.

 

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she countered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

 

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

 

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"

 

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down."

 

 

[AlG 0]

Read the English meaning and then OUT LOUD say the Chinese words.

(Makes more sense when you say out loud)

 

1. That's not right...................Sum Ting Wong

 

2. Are you harboring a fugitive?......Hu Yu Hai Ding

 

3. See me ASAP........................Kum Hia Nao

 

4. Stupid man.........................Dum Fuk

 

5. Small horse........................Tai Ni Po Ni

 

6. Did you go to the beach?...........Wai Yu So Tan

 

7. I bumped into a coffee table.......Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni

 

8. I think you need a face lift.......Chin Tu Fat

 

9. It's very dark in here.............Wao So Dim

 

10. I thought you were on a diet.......Wai Yu Mun Ching

 

11. This is a tow away zone............No Pah King

 

12. Staying out of sight...............Lei Ying Lo

 

13. He's cleaning his automobile.......Wa Shing Ka

 

14. Your body odor is offensive........Yu Stin Ki Pu

 

15. Great..............................Fa Kin Su Pah

 

 

 

:hyst:

[TerryLee 0]

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the boys". I told my wife that I would be home by midnight ..promise!

 

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 2:30 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick-witted solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

 

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her twelve o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

 

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock.

 

When I asked her why, she said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh s%$#," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted."

[AlG 0]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

 

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

 

His wife responds:

 

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, he thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

 

 

 

:hyst:

[AlG 0]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was that there was no heaven.

 

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact. "Mary... Mary..."

 

Awestruck, Mary responds, "Is that you Fred?"

 

"Yes, I have come back like we agreed."

 

"Well, what is it like?"

 

Fred excitedly tells his tale, "Well, when I get up in the morning I have sex, then I have breakfast, then I have sex again, then I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice more, then I have lunch, then I have sex all afternoon and into the early evening, until bedtime. And, then, I start all over again the next day."

 

So happy Mary says, "Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven."

 

Fred replies, "Hell no, Mary, I'm a rabbit in Michigan."

[harleyhunter 0]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

 

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

 

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and

answered me!"

 

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly

intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

 

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang

onto your perch without any feet?"

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I

wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it

because of my feathers."

 

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

 

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with

reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,

physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

 

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

 

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants

me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make

the guy an offer!"

 

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's

interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes,

and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

 

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst,"

and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's

about your wife and the postman."

 

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

 

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the

door in a sheer black nightie."

 

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

 

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and

began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

 

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

 

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees

and began to kiss her all over...."

 

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

 

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

[Guest]

 

 

Subject: how old are you?

 

 

 

Just in case you want to know your age in chocolate years Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but the Hershey Man will know! YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH This is pretty neat.

 

DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST! It takes less than a minute . Work this out as you read ... Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out! This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.

 

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more tha n once but less than 10)

 

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)

 

 

 

3. Add 5

 

 

 

4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator

 

 

 

5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755.

 

 

 

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

 

 

 

You should have a three digit number The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

 

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

 

 

 

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2006) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.

 

 

 

[atroutbum2 0]

A young man walks up to a beautiful woman and in a meek voice asks her how many times a week she has sex.

 

The woman is outraged, she says "Thats my business." in a loud voice.

 

The young man replys "Just as i thought , you are a hooker."

[fly time 0]

Little suzie came home from school one day, and wanted to take her dog Buffy for a walk. She then asked her mother where Buffies leash was, and her mother replied, oh honey you cant take Buffy for a walk today. Why asked Suzie? her mother replied, well honey Buffy is in heat, in heat replied Suzie, whats that mean? Well your Dad is out in the garage, go ask him. Suzie walks out to the garage, and sais Daddy mom said that I cant take Buffy for a walk, because she is in heat, what does that mean? Well her father replies, hold on a minute, and he walked over to his work bench and picked up a rag, and dipped into some gas, and proceeded to wipe it on the dogs butt. He said OK honey now you can take Buffy for a walk. About 15 minutes later Suzie returned holding the leash, and her father asked her Wheres Buffy? Oh exclaimed the little girl she ran out of gas down the road, but dont worry, another doggy is pushing her home!!!

[Ashby 0]

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her,

"What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

 

Ashby

 

 

[TerryLee 0]

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

 

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

 

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

 

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put down; "I don't know." You put down, "Neither do I."