Joke of the day

[Guest]

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The Ten Commandments of Marriage

 

 

Commandment 1

 

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

 

Commandment 2

 

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you

say, talk in your sleep.

 

Commandment 3

 

Marriage is grand - and divorce is at least 100 grand!

 

Commandment 4

 

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man

speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the

man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

 

Commandment 5

 

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one

thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

 

Commandment 6

 

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when

they try to decide which one.

 

Commandment 7

 

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something

you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

 

Commandment 8

 

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a

good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

 

Commandment 9

 

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry. That is why the wife

treats the husband like toxic waste.

 

Commandment 10

 

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

 

 

[Fly1 0]

I never knew what true happiness was until I got married.......

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then it was too late

[artimus 0]

Bank Robbery (NOT FOR THE YOUNGINS!!!)

 

 

A man wearing a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shot gun. "Open the safe!" he yells at the girl behind the counter.

 

"But we're not a real bank" replies the girl. "This is a sperm bank, we don't hold money".

 

"Don't argue just open the safe or I'll blow your head off!" She obliges and opens the safe door.

 

"Take one of the bottles and drink it!"

 

"But it's full of sperm" the girl replies nervously.

 

"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.

 

She prys off the cap and gulps it down.

 

"Take out another one and drink it too!" he demands.

 

The girl drinks another one.

 

Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the girl's amazement it's her husband.......

 

"Not that damn difficult, is it?" he says

[artimus 0]

Employee Performance Evaluations

 

 

 

1. "Since my last report, this employee reached rock bottom and has now started to dig."

 

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

 

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

 

4. "This employee is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

 

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

 

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

 

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

 

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

 

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

 

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

 

11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

 

12. "Got a full six-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all

together."

 

13. "A gross ignoramus -144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

 

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

 

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

 

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

 

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

 

18. "He would argue with a signpost."

 

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

 

20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

 

21. "When his I. Q. reaches 50, he should sell."

 

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other

one."

 

23. "A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on."

 

24. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

 

25 "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

 

26. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

 

27. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

 

28. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

 

29. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

 

30. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm and made it to conception."

 

31. "One neuron short of a synapse."

 

32. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

 

33. "Takes him 2+ hours to watch 60 Minutes."

 

34. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

[artimus 0]

How business is done.........

 

 

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son.

 

Jack: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case..."

 

Next, Jack approaches Bill Gates.

 

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World

Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."

 

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

 

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a

vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than

I need!"

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case..."

[Guest]

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some

extra money. He asked the people to consider donating a little more than

usual into the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would

be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed,

the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed $1,000 in

the offering.

 

He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his

congregation

and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money

in

the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly looking lady all the way in

the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the

front.

 

Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it

was

that she gave so much and in thanks asked her to pick out three hymns.

 

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to

the

three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and

him

and him."

[Guest]

Toilet Seat

It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was

invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century.

The invention was later modified by a Jewish

inventor who put a hole in the seat.

 

 

 

Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten

Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou

Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery"

and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of

lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a

hostile work environment.

 

 

 

 

[Graham 0]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the

Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are

all those clocks?"

 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a

Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she

never told a lie."

 

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

 

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have

moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

 

"Where's John Kerry's clock?" asked the man.

 

"His clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

 

[Guest]

Zero Gravity

 

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they

quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not

work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA

scientists spent a decade and $12 billion

developing a pen that writes in zero gravity,

upside-down, on almost any surface including glass

and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to

over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes

are due again soon--enjoy paying them.

 

Our Constitution

 

"They keep talking about drafting a Constitution

for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was

written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked

for over 200 years and heck, we're not using it

anymore."

 

 

[artimus 0]

This was sent to me by someone who lives on the east coast fo Florida. She says hurricanes are no laughing matter.

 

You all should be aware of hurricane preparations, but in case you need

a refresher course:

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any minute now,

you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some

radar blob out in the Atlantic Ocean and making two basic meteorological

points.

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

 

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're

new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to

prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one."

Based on our insurance industry experiences, we recommend that you

follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1:

Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three

days.

STEP 2:

Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3:

Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. Unfortunately,

statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan.

Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

 

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this

insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic

requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Wisconsin

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area

that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies

would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they

might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they

got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to

scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an

annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At

any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

 

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the

doors. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and

disadvantages:

1) Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them

yourself, they're cheap.

2) Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you

get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your

hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

3) Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use,

and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you

will have to sell your house to pay for them.

4) Hurricane-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane

protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand

hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.

He lives in Nebraska.

 

HURRICANE PROOFING your property:

As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like

barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You

should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if

you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately).

Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly

missiles.

 

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route

planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at

your driver's license; if it says "Florida," you live in a low-lying

area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being

trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be

trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along

with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not

be lonely.

 

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them

now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible

minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with

strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and

water, you will need the following supplies:

1) 23 flashlights.

2) At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes

off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

3) Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what

the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)

4) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in

a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

5) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask

anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be

irate alligators.)

6) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you

can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,

it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by

turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers

stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally

important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

[Guest]

AN MARRAGE

 

 

man and a woman, who have never met before, find

themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a

transcontinental train.

 

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy

over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep

quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

 

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,

"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into

the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

 

"I have a better idea," she replies.

"Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

 

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[Guest]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,

because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!

Everything inside them is color coded."

 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;

everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those

guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and

when the job takes longer than you said it would."

 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong.

Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no

balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

 

[artimus 0]

Girls Night Out

 

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I

promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours

passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit

loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock

in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my

husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was

really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution

(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict

with him.

 

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him

"Midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all.

 

Whew! Got away with that One!

 

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

 

When I asked him why, he said:"Well, last* night our clock cuckooed three times, then said; 'Oh shit', cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat,

cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then

tripped over the coffee table and farted!"

[Guest]

2004 THOUGHTS

 

 

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

 

11. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

 

 

 

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

 

8. Some people are like Slinkies.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

 

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

 

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

 

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

 

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

 

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

 

AND THE # 1 THOUGHT FOR 2004: Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired visas (some for as long as 10-15 years). Now take Blockbuster Video, for example. You're two days late with a video rental and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of US immigration.

 

 

[artimus 0]

 

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

 

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

 

The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

 

All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

 

The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"