Joke of the day

[Rocco 0]

Pat and his pals had 'the dhrink" taken at the corner shabeen and the talk gets around to the hypothetical question. "Where would you be wanting to spend the rest of your life?" Pat chimes in that he would like to spend it between his good wife's legs.

 

The next day, word gets back to his wife that Pat had come up with an interesting response to the question. On being grilled for details, Pat said that he told the boys that he wanted to spend the rest of his life in church.

 

She then tells all her freinds that "The damn fool has only been there twice and I had to drag him there by the ears the first time, and the second time he fell asleep".

 

Rocco

[Flyman416 0]

Bunch of little jokes:

 

What do you do when you're eaten by an elephant?

 

Answer: Run all around until your all pooped out.

 

 

Do you know why elephants paint their toe nails red?

 

no, why?

 

so they can hide in cherry trees. have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

 

no

 

See it works!

 

 

What do you get when cross a elephant and a rhino?

 

elliphino! (hell if i know!)

 

 

What is the difference in beer nuts and deer nuts?

 

well, beer nuts are a dollar seventy five and deer nuts are under a buck.

[oldtrout58 0]

A family of moles had been hibernating all winter. One beautiful spring morning, they woke up. The father mole stuck his head out of the hole and looked around. "Mother Mole!" He called back down the hole. "Come up here! I smell honey, fresh made honey!" The mother mole ran up and squeezed in next to him. "That's not honey, that's maple syrup! I smell maple syrup!" The baby mole, still down in the hole, was sulking. "I can't smell anything down here but molasses ..."

[Floyd 0]

A armless man walks up to the preacher who is about to ring the church bell.

Armless Man #1 - May I ring the bell?

Preacher - How can you ring the bell. You have no arms.

Armless Man #1 - I can ring it by ramming my head into the bell.

Preacher - Well OK give it a try.

Armless Man #1 bends over and runs his head into the bell. Wants to ring it again so he runs to hit his head into the bell but misses it and falls to the ground below. Preacher runs down to see if he’s hurt. While looking at him another armless man comes up.

Preacher - Do you recognize him?

Armless Man #2 - Not sure but his face does “Ring a Bell”.

 

Armless Man #2 - Can I ring the bell for you?

Preacher - OK but be careful as you can see what happened to this guy.

Armless Man #2 - Bends over and rams his head into the bell. Tries to ring it once more and he misses the bell and falls to the ground like the other man.

Preacher runs down to check on him. After a closer look he thinks this guy could be a “Dead Ringer” as the other mans brother.

[Crackaig 0]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman apply for a secret agent job. As part of the selection process the they are told that they have to prove their loyalty to the state. "In that room is your wife. She has been found to be an enemy of the state. Take this gun and go in and shoot her.

 

The Englishman refuses, saying, "That is too much to ask anyone. I will not do it."

 

The Scotsman takes the gun and goes into the room. A few moments later he comes out saying, "No, I can't do it."

 

The Irishman takes the gun and goes into the room. Several shots are fired, and then a commotion breaks out. The supervisors of the test run in to find out what is going on. The Irishman says "I tried shooting her but the gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat her to death with the chair leg.

 

 

Parent asks young child, "What do you want to do when you grow up?"

 

Child looks seriously at parent and says, "I'm considering a career in organised crime."

 

Parent just as seriously looks at the child and asks, "Government or private sector?"

 

Cheers,

C.

[Wolf65 0]

:D

 

'which part of the dog did you get' made me lol!

 

here is another one:

 

three moms: read head, blond and brunette

They are all chatting and the red head says, "I was going through my daughter's purse the other day looking for some gum, and I found an ounce of weed! I just cannot believe she smokes it."

So they all comfort her.

The brunette one then says, "I was going through my daughter's purse and found a fake ID, I just cannot believe she has one!"

So they then all comfort her.

The blonde one then says, "Yeah, well I was going through my daughter's purse and found a condom, I just cannot believe she has a pe*nis!!"

[riffleriversteelheadslayer 0]

a brunette a red head and a blonde all pregnant sitting in the doctors office chatting the brunette says I am having a girl since I was on top the red head gleaming says I am having a boy as I was on the bottom the blonde jumps up and screams running out of the office "OH NO I NEED A VET I AM HAVING PUPPIES"!!!!!

[Piker20 0]

a brunette a red head and a blonde all pregnant sitting in the doctors office chatting the brunette says I am having a girl since I was on top the red head gleaming says I am having a boy as I was on the bottom the blonde jumps up and screams running out of the office "OH NO I NEED A VET I AM HAVING PUPPIES"!!!!!

 

What on earth can she mean? :whistle:

[Peterjay 0]

Oscar moves up to Nome, Alaska, and has a lot of trouble being accepted by the locals.

 

He goes into a saloon and asks the bartender exactly what he has to do to fit in up there in the frozen North.

 

"The bartender says "well, around here there are three things you've gotta do before you're considered a real man:

 

"You've gotta chug a fifth of rotgut whiskey, rassle a polar bear, and screw an Eskimo woman."

 

Oscar says "no sweat," orders a fifth of rotgut, guzzles it down, wipes his chin on his sleeve, and staggers out the door.

 

The saloon patrons are appalled by the sounds of roaring, snarling, screaming, thumping, tearing, gurgling, etc, etc. coming from out in the street

 

Oscar crawls back into the saloon, clothes ripped to shreds, covered in blood, teeth missing, and hollers to the astonished crowd:

 

"All right! I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I've gotta rassle?"

[Piker20 0]

Oscar moves up to Nome, Alaska, and has a lot of trouble being accepted by the locals.

 

He goes into a saloon and asks the bartender exactly what he has to do to fit in up there in the frozen North.

 

"The bartender says "well, around here there are three things you've gotta do before you're considered a real man:

 

"You've gotta chug a fifth of rotgut whiskey, rassle a polar bear, and screw an Eskimo woman."

 

Oscar says "no sweat," orders a fifth of rotgut, guzzles it down, wipes his chin on his sleeve, and staggers out the door.

 

The saloon patrons are appalled by the sounds of roaring, snarling, screaming, thumping, tearing, gurgling, etc, etc. coming from out in the street

 

Oscar crawls back into the saloon, clothes ripped to shreds, covered in blood, teeth missing, and hollers to the astonished crowd:

 

"All right! I did it! Now where's that Eskimo woman I've gotta rassle?"

 

Thought he was going to be looking for the bear at the end there.

[Piker20 0]

Young guy travelling the world meets a hot German girl in a bar. She invites him back to her flat and he's over the moon. She has him lie on the bed while she prepares for the German method. He's surfed plenty of internet but not sure he's heard of that one. She comes back into the bedroom and has a spring on each elbow, a spring on each knee and a Duck mask on her head.

"What the hell is this?" says the young guy

 

"Four sprung duck technique" she replies.

[mikechell 0]

Piker20,

Maybe I am just a dummy.

Maybe you have to speak German.

Maybe I am not putting the correct inflection on the words, but ... huh???

 

Before you answer, I do believe that if you have to explain the joke, it loses it's appeal, so I am not expecting an explanation.

[fishingbobnelson 0]

Fridays I Fish...

 

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

 

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

 

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

 

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

[riffleriversteelheadslayer 0]

Why are hillbilly murders so hard to solve?

 

 

 

The DNA all matches and there is no dental records...

[fly tryer 0]

Piker20,

Maybe I am just a dummy.

Maybe you have to speak German.

Maybe I am not putting the correct inflection on the words, but ... huh???

 

Before you answer, I do believe that if you have to explain the joke, it loses it's appeal, so I am not expecting an explanation.

 

Mike the joke is based on a British tv Ad so unless you have seen the ad it will mean nothing to you.

 

Steve