Joke of the day

[Guest]

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it." The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

 

 

A married couple was asleep when the

phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know? That's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband asked, "Who was that?" The very blonde wife replied, "I don't know. Some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

 

 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

 

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

 

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time.

 

 

He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. Then he asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.

 

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said..........

 

 

 

"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!!!"

[Sean Juan 0]

An athesist is walking through the forest admiring the beauty of the Big Bang's randomized creation, when a huge grizzly bear starts to chase him.

 

He runs as fast as he can, but the bear corners him. As the bear looms over him about to maul him he gasps, "Oh My God!!!"

 

Suddenly everything freezes, and a light shines down upon him and a strong voice is heard from the heavens.

 

"Ah Ha!," God bellows, "You spent you life denying me and only now you believe. Still I am a loving God, so have faith and I will save you."

 

The athesist is shocked but embrassed, even now his scientific mind convinces him its a halluciation.

 

"Tell you what God...I still can't believe in you, but if you want to do me a favor make the bear a Christian."

 

"So it shall be!!!!" God announces with a thunderclasp.

 

Immediately the light is gone and the world returns to normal. The bear poised to strike stops growling, gets down on its knees and places its paws together.

 

The athesist is amazed - God had truly made the bear a Christian, he was even more amazed when he heard the bear begin to pray.

 

"Bless me Father, and this meal I am about to receive..."

[Fly1 0]

A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

 

After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi

responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes,

on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

 

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the

temptations of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded

understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then said, "Beats the hell out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

 

 

[bentflyrod 0]

IT"S GOOD TO BE A MAN!!!!

 

The last name stays put.

The garage is all ours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

We can be president.

We can never be pregnant.

We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

We can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell us the truth.

The world is our urinal.

We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000.

Tux rental-- $100.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood -- all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

Our underwear is $8.95 for three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

We only have to shave our face and neck.

We can play with toys all our life.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.

We can "do" our nails with a pocketknife.

We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

 

IT"S GOOD TO BE A MAN!!!!

[Graham 0]

WAR BETWEEN IRELAND AND FRANCE AVERTED

 

Jacques Chirac, The French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

 

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

 

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

 

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

 

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command."

 

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

 

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

 

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

 

Chirac sighed, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

 

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

 

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

 

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

 

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

 

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

 

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

 

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.

[Guest]

 

Subject: Blonde & Football

 

A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had

great seats right behind their team's bench.

 

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

 

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and

all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing

each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest

of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the

quarterback!' HELLLLOOOOO! It's only 25 cents.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Fly1 0]

Nice set of headlights

[bentflyrod 0]

Nice clevage!!!

 

BFR

[getholdofjoru 0]

A farmer buys a new rooster and puts him in the chicken coop. The young rooster goes up to the old rooster and tells him "I'm the new guy here, I'm stronger and faster and I want all these here hens to myself. Your time is over here so get lost."

 

The old rooster looks at him and says "Well if your so much faster than me how about we race around the chicken coop. The first one to get back to the coop wins the rights to all these here hens and the loser has to leave."

 

"No problem" says the rooster. The old rooster adds "if your'e so sure you'll win how about giving me a head start" The young rooster agrees and they line up to race. A hen in the corner clucks and the old rooster takes off running as fast as he can with the young rooster right behind him.

 

As soon as they leave the coop they run right past the farmer when all of a sudden the farmer shoots the young rooster dead. "Dammit" the farmer puffs, "third gay rooster I bought this week."

[Joe Hard 0]

Im sory too. I am new to all of this,computers and all.I live in a small town called Kentville, on one side is New minas on the other is Coldbrook.The other day a buddy asked me,you work on the flats how come it is allways windy in Kentville?I said its because New Minas blows and Coldbrook sucks!

[Graham 0]

Today's Topic: Balance

 

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?"

 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it? "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

 

"Ah," said God "That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, plains, and coulees. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, and carriers of peace."

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance." God smiled, "There is another Washington...wait until you see the idiots I put there."

 

[Joe Hard 0]

Why did the Chicken cross the road?................to show the roadkill that it COULD BE DONE!

 

Speaking of chickens..One day Mrs. Lindley, the grade One teacher,was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.Sh read,"......and so ChickenLittle went up to the farmer and said,"The sky is falling,the sky is falling!"The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that farmer said?"Mellisa raised her hand and said,"I think he said:'Holy Mackerel!A talking chicken!"

[Guest]

Little Johnny is at it again!

 

 

 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She

started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand

up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you

think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you

standing there all by yourself!"

 

 

 

*******************************************

 

 

 

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on

her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself

beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a

tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

 

 

 

*******************************************

 

 

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?

 

 

[mcfly 0]

 

 

 

[Joe Hard 0]

Did you hear about Steven Speilbergs new movie?It is abbout post era musicians.He wanted to get some real action hero actors,so he called Tom Cruise,Mel Gibson and Arnold Swartzaniger.He asked Mel Gibson who would you like to play?Mel Gibson said I would like to play Mozart.He then asked Tom Cruise,Cruise said I would like to be Bethoven.He then asked Arnold SwartzanigerWho would you like to play,Arnold said.............I'll be Bach!