Joke of the day

[elisecoen 0]

A man leaves his house every morning to walk to work and passes a mental hospital surrounded by a wooden fence. Every morning the patients are out in the yard and he can hear them saying in unison, “10, 10, 10, 10, 10″. One day, he gets curious and looks through a hole in the fence. Suddenly, a stick shoots out and pokes him in the eye. “F###! He says to himself.” While walking away pissed off he can hear the patients saying, “11, 11, 11, 11, 11″

[skeet3t 0]

This is from a Catholic friend. Two priest die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them and says, "For your devotion to the Church, you can go back to earth for one year as anything you want to be." The first priest says, "I want to be an eagle." "OK, your request is granted." The second priest said, "I want to be a stud."

After the year went by, the first priest makes his appearance. St Peter asks, "How was the year?" "Great.I was soaring over the Rocky Mountains from one end to the others. It was amazing. By the way, where is the other priest?" St. Peter said, "Last we heard, he was a 2X4 in Kansas City."

Got to be good friends with the local Catholic priest in Kentucky. He would tell Baptist jokes and I would tell Catholic jokes. My favorite and his- There was a tiny town in the mountains of Kentucky. The two churches were a Baptist church and a Catholic church. Suddenly, the Baptist minister died. There wasn't enough time to get a Baptist minister to perform the funeral. They asked the priest if he would do it. He wired the bishop, " Is it OK to bury a Baptist?" "Yes! Bury all the Baptists you can!"

[chugbug27 0]

Great first post @elisecoen, welcome to the site

[DFoster 0]

On 11/21/2020 at 11:27 AM, mikechell said:

Not really a joke, but Wife thinks it's hilarious. 

I did a load of laundry Wednesday, including the pants I'd worn to work that day.  I usually check pockets before I put pants in the wash, but I ... obviously ... didn't this time.  While transferring clothes to the dryer, I found my cell phone lying in the bottom of the washer.  While it certainly cleared out any caches and old phone numbers ... the washing machine is NOT the way to clean a phone.

Just saying.

Hopefully, my replacement will arrive today.

Mike here's my laundry story.  Twenty years ago I was home for a few months as the result of a lay off.  My wife was working 60 hours a week at the time so I decided to do as much of the house work as I could.  She loved having a "house husband" and all was well until I made the mistake of doing her laundry.  I managed to shrink or ruin half the clothes she owned.  In my defense when it comes to clothes I only buy low maintenance/idiot proof.  It's better that way,  I once destroyed a nice suit trying to diagnose a starter issue in the rain.  If I have to worry about hot/cold water or a specific way of drying I don't buy the worthless damn thing in the first place.  Those valuable brain cells are needed else where, for remembering fly patterns and such.  Back when I was single the dress clothes I did have went to the dry cleaners after the wedding or funeral.  A simple system that worked well for me.

Anyway she made me swear an oath that I would never touch "her" washer or dryer ever again unless I was repairing one of them.    Since that day she does all of our laundry and I do the lawn care and snow removal.  I don't even know how to turn our washer and dryer on. 

[mikechell 0]

Wife has had a thyroid issue for a decade or so.  She can't be in Florida heat for more than a few minutes at a time.  I started doing the laundry when she started having those issues.  Of course, several years alone and in the military taught me all about laundry ... it was nothing new.  On the other hand, both of us wear clothes that are easy wash and wear.

Since I "create" more laundry than she does, I don't mind doing it.

[cphubert 0]

21 minutes ago, mikechell said:

several years alone and in the military taught me all about laundry

Yep and sewing my mother told my wife not to clean, iron, sew, or touch my uniforms. She listened to her and I still laugh with my wife about it. I have always tried to be independent and repair household failures, seems everything always broke when I was on deployments or when we had money saved for something special. Not working anymore so I expect that to make offerings to the major appliance repair gods a necessity.

[Guest]

I don’t see how youse guys do laundry...  These new machines are so complicated with safety chit, water saver when the wife forgot something and opened the door reset stopped working.  Other issues that I couldn’t figure out after the wife gave up was the end.  It’s sitting out behind the pole barn almost new. I go to buy another one and meet people bringing them back with similar issues. Finally after about to give up;  Daughter said get a SpeedQueen.  They only make washers. None of the big box stores even carry them. Had to go to the lawnmower/chainsaw store and got one that still had a gear box and less safety chit.   Best $1000 I ever spent.  Yeh $1000 for a dang wm!  When the wifey ain’t happy nobody is happy.   DD who is outside sales for hoses/ industrial supplies buys all kinds of stuff for customers.  SouthernHen, chicken processor customer,  was having fits with washing machines.  They run continually just about and they were going thru one every couple of months.  DD fixed them up with the SQ and it’s been going for a year now...

[Guest]

[Guest]

[DFoster 0]

On 11/29/2020 at 1:00 AM, denduke said:

As an unapologetic carnivore I must say that's awesome!   

[Mark Knapp 0]

1 hour ago, DFoster said:

As an unapologetic carnivore I must say that's awesome!   

Me too

[skeet3t 0]

Noah is checking the ark once more before getting off. He notices two snakes coiled up in a corner. "Didn't I tell you to go forth and multiply?" One snake replied, "We can't. We're adders."

[skeet3t 0]

For all the Marines out there.

During the Korean War, gunny and a rifle squad are pinned down  in a bomb crater and surrounded by Communists troops.

Gunny- " We are outnumbered ten to one. I want every guy up and firing your rifle."

Here come the Commies! Gunny looks around and sees one Marine sitting back and smoking a cigarette."

Gunny- "Didn't I say that I want everyone up and firing your rifle."

Marine- "Gunny, I got my ten!"

[mikechell 0]

For the wood workers:

[Guest]

HoHoHo!!!!