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Steeldrifter

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"Parrot Tricks"

 

 

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

 

 

 

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

 

 

 

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

 

 

 

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

 

 

 

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

 

 

 

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

 

 

 

"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

 

 

 

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

 

 

 

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

 

 

 

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

 

 

 

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

 

 

 

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

 

 

 

One day the guy comes hom e from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

 

 

 

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

 

 

 

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

 

 

 

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

 

 

 

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

 

 

 

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

 

 

 

"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over...."

 

 

 

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

 

 

 

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

 

 

 

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The Parrot

 

 

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse

vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude,

obnoxious and laced with profanity.

 

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by

consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music

and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the

bird's vocabulary.

 

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and

the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

 

In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the

bird and put him in the freezer.

 

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and

screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened

the door to the freezer.

 

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched

arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with

my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful

for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully

intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and

unforgivable behavior."

 

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a

dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

 

LW

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A MAN WALKS INTO A DENTISTS OFFICE, SITS IN THE CHAIR AND TELLS THE DENTIST THAT HE THINKS HE IS A MOTH.

 

THE DENTIST REPLIES THAT HE SHOULD SEE THE SHRINK.

 

OUT OF CURIOSITY,THE DENTIST ASKED WHY THE MAN CAME INTO HIS OFICE.

 

THE MAN REPLIED " THE LIGHT WAS ON."

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Chemistry midterm.....hell you say?

 

 

 

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of

Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so

"profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the

Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying

it as well.

 

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic

(absorbs heat)?

 

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law

(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some

variant.

 

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we

need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate

at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a

soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

 

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different

religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state

that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not

belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to

Hell.

 

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of

souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of

change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order

for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of

Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

 

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls

enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will

increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls

in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell

freezes over.

 

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year

that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take

into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2

must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already

frozen over.

 

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it

follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,

extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine

being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

 

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The Ostrich ============

 

 

 

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

 

 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

 

 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

 

 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

 

 

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.

 

 

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

 

 

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

 

 

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

 

 

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

 

 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

 

 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

 

 

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

 

 

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

 

 

The man sighs, pauses, and answers,

 

 

"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 

 

 

 

 

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Is this what it's like to turn 50?

 

Dear Diary,

For my fiftieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a

week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I

am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 30

yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a

try.

 

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named

Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr old aerobics instructor and

model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with

my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary

to chart my progress.

 

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was

well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda

waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde

hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile.

 

Woo Hoo!!!!!

 

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse

after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so

fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra

aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she

conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

 

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although

my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was

around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

 

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the

door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into

the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly

on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile

made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the

toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as

I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club

parking lot.

 

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered

other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the

morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

 

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the

stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate

an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would

help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

 

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth

exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I

couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie

my shoes.

Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,

I ran and hid in the men's room.. She sent Lars to find me, then, as

punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

 

FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever

hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid,

skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I

could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

 

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps.

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the

*&%#(#&**[email protected]*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

 

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition

teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama

coach or the choir director?

 

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her

grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just

hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up

catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

 

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I

can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that

next year, my wife, will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root

canal or a vasectomy

 

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A fellow from Michigan buys himself a brand-new $30,000 Jeep Grand Cherokee for Christmas. He goes down to his favorite bar and celebrates by tossing down a few too many brews with his buddies. In one of those male-bonding rituals, five of them decide to take his new vehicle for a test drive on a duck hunting expedition. They load up the Jeep with the dog, the guns, the decoys, and the beer, and head out to a nearby lake.

 

Now, it's the dead of winter, and of course the lake is frozen, so they need to make a hole in the ice to create a natural landing area for the ducks and decoys. It is common practice in Michigan to drive your vehicle out onto the frozen lake, and it is also common (if slightly illegal) to make a hole in the ice using dynamite. Our fellows have nothing to worry about on that score, because one member of the party works for a construction team, and happens to have brought some dynamite along. The stick has a short 20-second fuse.

 

The group is ready for some action. They're all set up. Their shotguns are loaded with duck pellets, and they have beer, warm clothes and a hunting dog. Still chugging down a seemingly bottomless supply of six-packs, the group considers how to safely dynamite a hole through the ice. One of these rocket scientists points out that the dynamite should explode at a location far from where they are standing. Another notes the risk of slipping on the ice when running away from a burning fuse. So they eventually settle on a plan to light the fuse and throw the dynamite out onto the ice.

 

There is a bit of contention over who has the best throwing arm, and eventually the owner of the Jeep wins that honor. Once that question is settled, he walks about 20 feet further out onto the ice and holds the stick of dynamite at the ready while one of his companions lights the fuse with a Zippo. As soon as he hears the fuse sizzle, he hurls it across the ice at a great velocity and runs in the other direction.

 

Unfortunately, a member of another species spots his master's arm motions and comes to an instinctive decision. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the beer, the guns and the dog? Yes, the dog: a trained Black Labrador, born and bred for retrieving, especially things thrown by his owner. As soon as the stick leaves his hand, the dog sprints across the ice, hell-bent on wrapping his jaws around the enticing stick-shaped object.

 

Five frantic fellows immediately begin hollering at the dog, trying to get him to stop chasing the dynamite. Their cries fall on deaf ears. Before you know it, the retriever is headed back to his owner, proudly carrying the stick of dynamite with the burning 20-second fuse. The group continues to yell and wave their arms while the happy dog trots towards them. In a desperate act, its master grabs his shotgun and fires at his own dog.

 

The gun is loaded with duck shot, and confuses the dog more than it hurts him. Bewildered, he continues towards his master, who shoots at man's best friend again. Finally comprehending that his owner has become insane, the dog runs for cover with his tail between his legs. And the nearest cover is right under the brand-new Jeep Grand Cherokee.

 

Boom! The dog and the Jeep are blown to bits, and sink to the bottom of the lake, leaving a large ice hole in their wake. The stranded men stand staring at the water with stupid looks on their faces, and the owner of the Jeep is left to explain the misadventure to his insurance company. Needless to say, they determined that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered under their policy, and the owner is still making $400 monthly payments on his brand-new Jeep at the bottom of the lake.

 

darwinawards.com

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A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.

 

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which

 

was brought and placed before him.

 

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

 

Appalled, the minister replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage

 

of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

 

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too,

 

I didn't know we had a choice."

 

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"Stress Test"

 

I'm not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. The attached photo has 2 almost identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress level at St. Mary's Hospital. Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study of a group revealed that in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical; a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. If there are many differences found between both dolphins, it means that the person is experiencing a great amount of stress. Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation, and go Steelhead fishing, at Erie Pa. in January. "Weather Permitting". biggrin.gif

 

user posted image

 

laugh.gif LW

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Ah The Irish:

 

Mrs. McCambridge went to the door after hearing a knock. "Father Fagan, Top o the Morn' to ya" she said.

 

"Oh Lass," Father Fagan said with sadness in his tone.

 

"Oh NO! Not My SEAN!" she cried.

 

"AY-there has been an accident down at the Brewery. Seems Sean fell in the Vat O Beer and drown."

 

"Saint preserve him Father," she cried "Think it was painful do you?"

 

"Can't say, but they say he climbed out three times to take a PEE."

 

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