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Steeldrifter

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A blonde is driving down the road in farm country.

 

As she comes along a cornfield, she looks out her window to see another blonde in the middle of the field sitting in a rowboat, rowing like crazy.

 

The blonde in the car gets really mad, slams on her breaks, jumps out of the car and yells, "Hey, what the hell are you doing? You know it's people like you that give blondes a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!" laugh.gif

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New here, so sorry if mine get repeated.

 

A drunk standing behind a woman in line at check out taps her on the the shoulder. She turns, sees the drunk and says, "Yes, can I help you?"

 

Drunk looks her in the eye and slurs as he asks, "You're single..aren't you?!"

 

She turns and looks at the items on the conveyor. Notes that she has milk, loaf of bread, head of lettuce, bottle of mouth wash, and a package of hamburger. Nothing really standing out to indicate she's single. She turns back to the drunk and says, "Yes, I'm single, but how did you know?"

 

Drunk, "You're ugly!"

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Two guys walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The barkeep comes over to them and asks, "What can I serve you gentlemen?"

 

One of them says to the barkeep, "I'll bet you a pitcher of you finest beer that I can lick my eye." The barkeep says, "I've had guys come in here that could lick their nose but never have I ever seen one that could lick his eye. I'll take that bet."

 

So the guy reaches up, pulls out his glass eye, licks it, and puts it back in his eye socket. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me." He brings the guys a pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

 

When that pitcher starts to get low the barkeep comes back and asks, "Are you gentlemen ready for another?" The same guy answers, "I'll bet you another pitcher of your finest beer that I can bite my ear."

 

The barkeep hesitates for a moment and looks at the guy's left ear, his right ear, and says, "There's no way you've got an artificial ear. I'll take that bet."

 

The guy reaches up, pulls out his false teeth, bites his ear with them, and puts them back in his mouth. The barkeep says, "Damn, you got me again." He brings the guys another pitcher of beer and goes about tending the bar.

 

A little later the betting guy is drunk, gets up and staggers over to the bar and lays a $100 bill on the bar saying, "I'll bet you a hundred that I can pee and fill 10 shot glasses lined up on the bar with their rims touching without spilling a drop on the bar from 3 feet away."

 

The barkeep says, "It'll be worth $100 to see that so I bet you can't do it." He puts his own $100 on the bar, lines up 10 shot glasses and steps back.

 

The drunk whips it out and pees all over the shot glasses, the bar, and the floor.

 

The barkeep picks up the two $100 bills, gets out his towel and starts to wipe it up. He then notices the drunk is smiling and says, "I just made $100 so I'm smiling, you just lost $100, why are you smiling?"

 

The drunk says, you see they guy over there I've been drinking with all this time? I just bet him $500 that I could come over here, pee all over the bar, and that you'd wipe it up with a smile on your face.

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Creation of Florida

 

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquires of God, "Where have you been?"

 

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. "Look, Michael, look what I've made."

 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

 

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.

 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

 

God explained, pointing to different parts of the earth, "For example, Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Africa is going to be poor. The Middle East over there will be a hot spot," God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered with ice."

 

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass with oceans as it borders and said, "What's that one?"

 

 

"Ah," said God, "that's Florida, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, rivers, lakes, and climate. The people from Florida are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high achieving people, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

 

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then exclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance! Everyone and everything seems so totally perfect in this place you call Florida!"

 

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending down from the North every winter!"

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QUOTE (Graham @ Apr 13 2005, 07:40 PM)
Creation of Florida...
...God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm sending down from the North every winter!"

hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...Wait a second..... dry.gif

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A FlyFisher sat down at the bar and ordered a beer. As he sat sipping his beer, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the Fly Fisher and said, "Is that your flyrod outside" The Fly Fisher replied "yes it is" she then asked "Are you a real Fly Fisher?" He replied "Well, I spent my whole life fishing with flies so yeah I guess I am."

 

She said "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking of women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women, when I'm in the shower I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems everything makes me think about women."

 

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later a man sat down on the other side of the Fly Fisher an asked "Are you a real Fly Fisherman?"

 

The Fly Fisher replied "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian"

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Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

 

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

 

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

 

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

 

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352."

 

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

 

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

 

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

 

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Two alligators sat in the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much

bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't

get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, "what ya been eatin', Boy?"

"Politicians, same's you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where ya catch 'em?"

"Down t'other side the swamp near the parking' lot, by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How ya catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of 'em's Lexus and wait for 'em to unlock the

car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out'em, and

eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see yer problem. You ain't

gettin' any real nourishment. See? By the time you done shaking' the shit out of a politician, there ain't nothing' left but an asshole and a briefcase laugh.gif

 

Leak

 

 

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A Redneck Computer Geek

 

 

# You might be a redneck addicted to the world of computers if.......

 

1 If yer computer stand is made of a stack of old tires or 2 x 8's and cinderblocks.

2 Ya think www. in a url is a logo for a wrestlin' organization.

3 Someone tells ya they're "locked up" and ya ask if they need bail money.

4 Ya've ever been too drunk to chat.

5 Yer screen saver is a confederate flag and plays dixie.

6 Ya think a harddrive is a trip to Uncle Bubba's.

7 Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

8 Ya think a surge supressor is a pill for diarrhea.

9 Ya keep trying to figure out why yer scanner won't pick up police radio calls.

10 Ya think a megabyte is a new sandwich at McDonalds.

11 Ya have to ask someone how to spell LOL.

12 Yer stomach overlaps half of yer keyboard.

13 Ya try to figure out how to get yer empty beer cans into the recyclin' bin.

14 Ya try to turn on yer computer with the remote.

15 Ya try to figure out how yer floppy disk got hard.

16 Ya play frisbee with yer CD Rom's.

17 Ya find yerself on the floor looking into yer "A Drive" yelling 'Give it back! Give it Back'.

18 When birds fly across yer screen an ya reach for yer shotgun.

19 Ya put a mousetrap on yer desk. Yer yards full of ol' computers stacked on cinder blocks.

20 Ya use yer CD-ROM drive as a beer holder.

21 Ya call tech support an ask where ta buy stamps fer yer e-mail.

22 When ya tern yer computer on ya say, "Come OOOOOOON Betsy."

23 Ya think system wizard is a dude in a funny hat.

24 Ya think 64 M RAM is a nu big block engine fer yer pickup.

25 Ya think ICQ is how smert yer computer is.

26 Someone tellz ya yer computer has a bug an ya reach for the can of Raid.

27 Ya think a mouse pad iz where Mighty Mouse and his cousins hang.

28 Ya go buy a surfboard to surf the net.

29 Ya think yer homepage is where ya really live.

30 Ya give derections to a website that include a person, animal, or old barn.

31 Ya think MB stands for "More Beer."

32 Ya wait fer the bluelight special at K-Mart ta buy yer puter.

33 Ya see the word Download, and take the shells out of yer shotgun.

34 Ya think the person that made yer keyboard was dumb cuz the letters aint in order.

35 Ya think pushing the delete key will make yer ol' lady disappear.

36 Ya think CD stands for Cow Dung.

37 Ya think IBM stands for "Idn't Betsy Marvelous."

38 Ya think GIF stands fer "Goodie It's Free."

39 Ya think Mirabilis is a new brand of smokes.

40 Ya see the "shift" key and try ta figure out how ta change gears.

41 Ya put a quilt over yer screen when a make whoopee to yer ol' lady.

42 Ya wonder why yer screen saver ain't wearing a cape like that there superhero on the cartoons. Ya think screen saver is a new flavor o' candy.

43 Ya think Geocities is a place ta buy lil cars.

44 Ya catch yerself tryin' to smell the lil flower on yer ICQ contact list.

45 Ya think the "A drive" is where ya park yer pickup.

46 Ya see the werd "Zip" and know why youz feelin' a draft.

47 Yer puter has a bumper sticker on it.

48 Part of yer puter is held together with duct tape.

49 Ya sees the word "Refresh" and reach into the cooler fer another beer.

50 Yer in a chat room and someone asks where yer from and you reply, "My momma."

51 You sees the word "Website" and start looking for spiders.

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SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A BASEBALL GAME

 

(WHOSE HABITS PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW),

 

THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

 

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO

UTAH, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

 

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA, THERE ARE ONLY

5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS LIVING

THERE."

 

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET,

CALM,

VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

 

 

laugh.gif

 

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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office

and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

 

The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast

and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams

in even more agony.

 

She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes

her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes

her scream.

 

The doctor says,"You're not really a redhead, are you?

 

Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

 

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

 

 

Leak laugh.gif

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Letter from a redneck;

 

 

Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live

where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of

your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the

last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they

moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about

it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them

since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time

for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be

too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and

put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because

it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet

so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your

brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was

driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has

happened.

 

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom

 

 

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So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

 

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000/year and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown,

and you can so taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap

and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station:

"STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy

with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early

to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here

illegally, they want to give you one.

 

laugh.gif

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro English."

 

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

 

The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

 

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

 

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

 

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.

 

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

 

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

 

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

 

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!!

 

 

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