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Steeldrifter

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Roses & Hanging Baskets

>>

>>A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a

>>see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a

>>fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times.

>>You gotta let your rose buds show!" and out she goes.

>>

>> The next day the teenager comes down stairs, and the grandmother

>>is

>> sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She

>> explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and

>>that it is just

not appropriate...

>>

>>The grandmother says, "Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off

>> your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

>>

>> Happy Gardening

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>"Mint Flavored Birth Control Pill"

 

> >> >> >> >The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co.

> >> >Have combined to market the new Mint flavored

> >> >birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.

> >> >

> >> >The Pill will be distributed by the large major

> >> >drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.

> >> >

> >> >They're going to be called....

> >> >

> >> >"Pre-dic-a-mints."

> >>

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Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

 

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?"

 

"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

 

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

 

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

 

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

 

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

 

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

 

The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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This was just sent to me by a good friend.

 

"The WalMart Greeter"

 

A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Walmart with her two kids.

 

The Walmart Greeter, asks "Are they twins"?

 

The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.

 

 

"Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

 

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"!

 

 

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These gems are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

 

 

QUOTE

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________

 

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 15.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

______________________________________

 

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

 

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

_____________________________________

 

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

 

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

 

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

 

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

 

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________

 

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________

 

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

 

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

 

Q: Can you describe the individual?

A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male, or a female?

______________________________________

 

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

 

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

 

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________

 

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________

 

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________

 

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

 

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want." So he tied her up and went fishing…..

 

 

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A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

 

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

 

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

 

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

 

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

 

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

 

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

 

 

Moral of this story...

 

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

 

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MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

 

 

 

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

 

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

 

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

 

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line

so we can trace your call.

 

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the

MotherShip.

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you

which number to press.

 

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,

nothing will make you happy any way.

 

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

 

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep

or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory

loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

 

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to

talk with you.

 

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down

and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

 

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up."

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The Golfer and the Dentist

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one hell of a hurry.! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already. I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist ask him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him."

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