Joke of the day

[KVRNut 0]

:hyst:

[Redleg 0]

Another Letter from Santa

 

 

Dear ya'll

 

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able

to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union

contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only

eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with my

replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba

Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls,

but there are a few differences between us, such as:

 

* There is no danger of a Grinch's stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has

a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads:

"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

 

* Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC

and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He does

dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.

 

* Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of

reindeer. I lent him my reindeer one time, and Rudolph's head now rests over

Bubba's fireplace.

 

* You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen ..." when Bubba

Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and

Boudreaux. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

 

* "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yeehaw!" And you also are likely to hear

Bubba's elves respond, "I heard that!"

 

* As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a bumper

sticker for non-traditional vehicles "If you are close enough to read this...

you ain't gettin' no presents!"

 

* The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and

"Ernest Saves Christmas" will not be shown in your area. Instead, you'll see

some really classes movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many

feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says

"You scumbum!" a lot, and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each

other.

 

* Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. I'd turn the other way when he bends over

to put presents under the tree. "Plumber's cleavage" is NOT a pretty sight.

 

* Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis' "Here Comes

Santa Claus" and Madonna's remake of "Santa Baby." Until this year, songs

about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi.

They include such classics as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox,"

David Allan Coe's "Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me," and Hank Williams

Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle."

 

 

Sincerely Yours,

 

 

Santa

 

 

 

 

 

[Redleg 0]

Why, Why, Why

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

 

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

 

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

 

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

 

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

 

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

 

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

 

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helme ts?

 

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

 

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

 

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

 

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

 

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

 

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

 

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

 

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

 

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

 

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

 

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

 

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

 

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

__________________

 

[Green Acres 0]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

" My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

 

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

 

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.

 

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

 

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouch ed down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

 

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,

I'm trying to poop!"

 

[Faster Fish 0]

What do you call a vegetarian with diarea?

 

 

 

 

A salad shooter

[majestyja 0]

:sick:

[majestyja 0]

what does a 9 volt battery and a girls butthole have in common?

 

although you know it's wrong, it's a matter of time until you put your tongue on it :bugeyes:

[pickin6ofem 0]

:hyst: :hyst: :hyst:

[KVRNut 0]

On Gift Wrapping

 

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first

Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar, and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

 

These are simple words but, if we analyze them carefully, we

discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

 

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the paperwas festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

 

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the

very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

 

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point

of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know.

 

One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is "if

it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person

opens it."

 

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a

matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

 

I also wrap gifts but, because of some defect in my motor

skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court but, when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out.

(Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

 

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the

lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

 

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of

wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many

women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that

requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

 

My point is that gift wrapping is one of those skills like

having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is

why, today, I am presenting:

 

GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:

 

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,

when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

 

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on

how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food

coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

 

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!

Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

 

YOUR WIFE: "Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?"

YOU: "It's a gift! See? It has a bow!"

YOUR "WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower."

YOU: "Gas-powered! Five horsepower!"

YOUR WIFE: "I want a divorce."

YOU: "I also got you some myrrh."

 

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you

give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

 

~Male Author Unknown~

 

[Gregg A 0]

A little girl was sitting on Santas lap when Santa asked what she wanted for Christmas.

The little girl replied that she wanted a Barbie doll and a GI Joe.

Santa said he thought Barbie came with Ken.

The little girl; replied "no Santa, she comes with GI Joe and fakes it with Ken"

[flyfishingtaz 0]

:hyst: :hyst:

[Redleg 0]

Funny, but still true...

 

The History Of The Middle Finger

 

Well, now......here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

 

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew") .

 

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

 

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!

 

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

 

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

 

The Euro version is to make a V with 2 fingersand flashing it horizontaly with the back to the recipient as if drawing a bow.

 

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

 

 

[KVRNut 0]

Skunky Smell

 

A young couple were driving home one night.

 

As they came around a curve, they ran over a mother skunk. The woman saw a baby skunk crying on the side of the road and demanded her boyfriend stop. Taking the baby home, it started shivering.

 

The woman said, "It's cold. What do I do?"

 

The man replied, "Put it down between your legs and warm it up."

 

The lady then asked, "What about the smell?"

 

The man replied, "I guess just hold its little nose!"

 

 

 

[KVRNut 0]

Ya gotta love them Newfies!

 

A Newfie decides to travel across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean. When he gets to Nanaimo, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.

He walks into the Macmillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger. It's his lucky day. They just happen to be looking for someone. But first, the bush foreman takes him for a ride into the bush in the company pickup truck to see how much he knows. The foreman stops the truck on the side of the road and points at a tree. "See that tree over there? I want you to tell me what species it is and how many board feet of lumber it contains." The Newfie promptly answers, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce eh? and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er." The foreman is impressed. He puts the truck in motion and stops again about a mile down the road. He points at another tree through the passenger door window and asks the same question. This time, it's a bigger tree of a different class. "Lord tunderin'! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet." says The Newfie. Now the foreman is really impressed. The Newfie has answered quickly and Got the answers right without even using a calculator! One more test.

They drive a little farther down the road, and the foreman stops again. This time, he points across the road through his driver side window. "And what about that one?" Before the foreman finishes pointing, the Newfie says, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at mos'." The foreman spins the truck around and heads back to the office a little pissed off because he thinks that the Newfie is smarter than he. As they near the office, the foreman stops the truck and asks the Newfie to step outside. He hands him a piece of chalk and tells him, "See that tree over there. I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree." The foreman thinks to himself, "Idiot! How would he know which is the front of a tree?" When the Newfie reaches the tree, he goes around it in a circle while looking at the ground. He then reaches up and places a white X on the trunk. He runs back to the foreman and hands him the chalk. "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure." the Newfie states, cocksure. The foreman laughs to himself and asks sarcastically, "How in the hell do you know that's the front of the tree?" The Newfie looks down at his feet, while rubbing the toe of his left boot cleaning it in the gravel and replies, "Cuz someone took a **** behind it eh?."

He got the job and is now the foreman.

 

 

[newfie 0]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:hyst: :hyst: :hyst: