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Steeldrifter

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Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

 

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

 

Jimmie had married a woman from Australia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the house cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

 

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

 

 

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,

and have dinner with, her parents. Since this is such a big

event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after

dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the

first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he

takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He

tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist

helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy

everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the

register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd

like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy

insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be

rather busy, it being his first time and all.

 

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and

meets his girlfriend at the door.

 

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where

the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to

say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy

is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes

pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20

minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and

whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this

religious."

 

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father

was a pharmacist."

 

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Tool Identification

 

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for

suddenly snatching flat bar stock out of your hands,

striking you in the chest and flinging your beer

across the room, splattering it against that freshly

painted part on the workbench.

 

Wire Wheel: Cleans paint off bolts and throws them

under the workbench at the speed of light. Also

removes fingerprints and guitar calluses in the time

it takes to say "ouch!"

 

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning pop

rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

 

Pliers: Used to round off bolt heads. May also be used

to create blood blisters.

 

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the

Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into

a crooked, unpredictable motion and the more you

attempt to influence its direction the more dismal

your failure becomes.

 

Vice Grips: Generally used after pliers to further

round off a bolt. If nothing else is available, they

can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to

the palm of your hand.

 

Oxy-acetylene Torch: Used almost exclusively for

lighting various flammable objects in your shop on

fire. Also handy for setting fire to the grease around

that wheel bearing you were trying to remove by

heating the hub.

 

Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older

British cars and motorcycles. Now mostly are hammered

over bolts previously rounded by vice grips.

 

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering an automobile

to the ground after installing new brake shoes,

trapping the handle firmly under the bumper. May also

be used to lower vehicle onto the plastic pail

you drained the engine oil into, immediately prior to

moving the vehicle and spilling oil all over your

concrete driveway.

 

Two by Four: An eight-foot long 2X4 used for levering

the vehicle upward off the hydraulic floor jack

handle.

 

Tweezers: A tool for removing 2X4 splinters or wire

wheel wires from your fingers.

 

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool 10 times

harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt

holes. Works well in inexpensive or easy to replace

parts but using this tool in expensive parts will

cause almost certain failure.

 

Two-Ton Engine Hoist: Used for testing the tensile

strength of electrical wires, hoses etc that you

forgot to disconnect.

 

Craftsman 1/2 X 16 inch Screwdriver. A large pry bar

that inexplicably has an accurately machined flat tip

at the opposite end to the handle.

 

 

Aviation Metal Snips: See "Hacksaw."

 

Trouble Light: A very appropriately named tool. Its

two main purposes are to shine an intense light

directly into your eyes instead of onto the part you

are trying to illuminate and also to consume 40-watt

light bulbs at the same rate as a 105 MM Howitzer

consumes shells. Sometimes called a drop light for

reasons obvious to anybody who has used one.

 

Philips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the silver

vacuum seals under the screw off lids of oil cans but

can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out

the heads of Phillips screws.

 

Pry Bar: A tool often used to crumple the metal

surrounding a clip or bracket you needed to remove in

order to replace that 50 cent part.

 

Hose Cutter: Used to make hoses too short.

 

Hammer: Originally used as a weapon of war, but

nowadays used as a divining rod to locate the most

expensive parts adjacent to the part you are trying to

hit.

 

 

 

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The Beginning of Yodeling

 

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

 

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

 

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

 

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

 

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

 

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

 

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

 

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour Her clothing was disheveled, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

 

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

 

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying

goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

 

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

 

The farmer screamed up at him , "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

 

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....

 

"LAIDTHEOLAIDEETOO!

 

 

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A Naked man walks into the psycologist's office

 

the shrink says

 

"I used to think you were crazy, But now, I can clearly see your nuts"

 

 

 

 

 

Pauly

 

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A 2006 study found that the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

 

Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a

year.

 

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon.

 

 

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Catholic School

 

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School, usually she slept through the class.

 

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

 

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

 

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

 

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

 

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

 

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret,

 

"Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.

 

Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt. "Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

 

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

 

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

 

This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

 

The nun fainted...........

 

 

 

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I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions. I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented. I said, "A folding bottle."

 

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

 

"A fottle."

 

"What else do you have?"

 

"A folding carton."

 

"What do you call that?"

 

"A farton."

 

She snickered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

 

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.

 

 

 

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Husband Problem

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up

to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to

buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to

kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll

throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely

not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed

with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You

didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

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Older Women

 

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

 

She wasn't bad for 57; we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?

 

I said no.

 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

 

I went back to her place.

 

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom, you still awake?"

 

 

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Bad Students

 

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"

 

"I just saw one of your garters!"

 

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"

 

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

 

"I just saw both of your garters!"

 

Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"

 

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

 

"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.

 

"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"

 

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Jim and Karen were both patients in a psychiatric hospital.

 

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim

suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and

stayed there.

 

Karen promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim

out.

 

When the psychiatrist became aware of Karen's heroic act, she immediately

ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her

to be mentally stable.

 

When she went to tell Karen the news, she said, "Karen, I have good news

and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able

to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of

another patient,

 

I have concluded that your act displays that you have a sound mind.

 

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the

bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,

but he's dead."

 

Karen replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry!"

 

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A Scotsman moves to the USA. Finally attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters' box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run,".

 

 

 

The next batter hits a single. The Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered "RUN, RUN"!! The Scotsman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

 

 

 

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk." The batter started his slow trot to first base. The Scot stood up and screamed, "Rrrrun ye lazy bastard, rrrun!"

 

 

 

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Scot sat back down.

 

 

 

A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained "He can't run -- he's got four balls."

 

 

 

The Scot stood up and screamed, "Walk wi' pride, lad!

 

 

Mike

 

 

 

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RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

 

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a

little beverage, good food and companionship.

She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

 

2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

 

3. I take my wife everywhere.....

but she keeps finding her way back.

 

 

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our

anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a

long time", she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

 

5. We always hold hands.

If I let go, she shops.

 

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric

bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets

and no place to sit down!" . So I bought her an electric chair.

 

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because

there was water in the carburetor.

I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."

 

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.

Then the mud fell off.

 

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late

for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!"

 

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

 

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her

first name was Always.

 

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.

I don't like to interrupt her.

 

13. The last fight was my fault though.

My wife asked "What's on the TV?"

I said "Dust!"

 

 

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