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Steeldrifter

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Hearda couple jokes on the radio yesterday, From a twosome that does a morning show, One of them is a Michigan fan an one of them is a Michigan state fan, These jokes are from the Michigan fan.

 

 

One day the seven dwarves were in a cave mining, Then the cave closed in, Snow white heard the crash from when it fell in, She called to them and asked if they were O.K., From the darkness she heard a voice say Go State!, Then she knew that dopey was till alive.

 

 

 

Breaking news,

 

There has been a power outage at MSU, 40 students are stuck on an escalator, No estimated rescue time available at this point.

 

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Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

 

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

 

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

 

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Holiday Cookies Like no Others!

 

Being the family chef, cook and chief dishwasher, I'm now in the process of doing my holiday baking for the Christmas holidays.

 

I've had several requests over the past three years for my Tequila cookies, so I'd like to share the recipe with you.

 

Should you care to make them for your family, please read all of the instructions carefully so you don't miss any of the steps in baking them.

 

Bon Appetit

 

 

TEQUILA HOLIDAY COOKIES

 

1 cup of water

1 tsp baking soda

1 cup of sugar

1 tsp salt

1 cup of brown sugar

1 Tbsp lemon juice

4 large eggs

1 cup of nuts

2 cups of dried fruit

1 bottle of Tequila

 

Sample the Tequila in a large glass to check quality

 

Take a large bowl, and check the Tequila again, to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer, Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

 

At this point, it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK, so try another cup.

 

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

 

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

 

Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor.

 

Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 

Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity.

 

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Check the Tequila

 

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

 

Add one table.

 

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

 

Greash the oven.

 

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner

 

Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze and make sure to put the dirty stove in the dishwasher.

 

CHERRY FRIGGIN HAULINDAZE AND MISTMAS TO ALL!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Loving Husband Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His

wife was really angry. She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a

gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT

BETTER BE THERE.'

 

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up,

she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped

in the middle of the driveway.

 

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought

the box back in the house.

 

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

 

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday

 

:o

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Girls night out :

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! The next morning, when my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him “MIDNIGHT” & he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said “I think we need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh s***!, cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

 

 

 

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Got this in an e-mail.

 

 

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

 

 

 

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was

 

having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,

 

'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

 

 

 

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny

fingers

in my mouth and said,

 

'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'

 

pretending to eat them.

 

 

 

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing

on

the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

 

 

 

 

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

 

 

 

 

She replied,

 

'What happened to my booger?'

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this one is good

 

 

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders his food. He eats his meal, and when the waiter comes to give him the bill, the panda takes out a gun, shoots him, and leaves. Another man at the restraurant is curious as to why the panda bear did this, so he took out a dictionary and looked up the definition of a panda bear.

Panda bear: eats shoots and leaves.

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Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting to look HOT... Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very ipressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.

Judge # 3 - "No Report"!

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

 

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Sex Test for Rednecks

 

Circle T for True and F for False

 

A menstrual cycle has three wheels? T or F

Asphalt describes a rectal problem? T or F

A G-String is part of a fiddle? T or F

Semen is a term for sailors? T or F

Testicles are found on a octopus? T or F

A pubic hair is a wild rabbit? T or F

Masturbate is used to catch large fish? T or F

Fetus is a character in Gunsmoke? T or F

A umbilical cord is part of a parachute? T or F

A condom is a large apartment complex? T or F

A orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir? T or F

A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry? T or F

An erection is when Japanese people vote? T or F

 

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Have not read all these, so hopefully this is not a duplicate:

 

 

 

 

 

Two blondes are standing on either side of a river.

 

Blonde #1 looks across the river and yells at blonde number two "Hey, how do you get to the other side of the river?"

 

Blonde #2 looks upstream, downstream, and then back across at blonde #1 and yells "You are on the other side of the river!"

 

 

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It appears the Irish think our Presidential race should be a no-brainer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To all of our brethren in the States... a point to ponder despite your

political affiliation:

 

We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold

an election in the United States.

 

On the one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another

lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated

primary against a lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to

yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to

run!

 

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts

with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger

woman who owns a beer distributorship !

 

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin' over in the colonies!'

 

 

 

 

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I haven't read all 37 pages so this may be a repeat.

An old Italian man walking down the street meets a priest.And he says afather I'm Josepe Maroni . I am 91 years old , and this morning I made love to three women all of which were under the age of 30. The priest says; thats terrible my son. I want you to say 20 Hail Mary's and twenty Our Fathers.......But wait Josepi says. I'm not catholic . So the priest asks "well why are you telling me then". I'ma tellen everybody.Josepe says

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I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been

very wise.

 

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive

quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap yourself' chili.

 

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes

with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your

butt cheeks WILL fall off.

 

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of

coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.

 

No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way

through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual

morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

 

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I

bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits.

 

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and

began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

 

It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the

pain hit me. Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

 

The thing is, this pain was different.

 

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In

a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,

forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the

direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The peppers fired a warning shot.

 

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a

noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to

move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly,

the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to

move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction

would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as she

walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions

emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

 

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she

walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible

that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there

blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake.

 

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',

if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth

from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a

few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store

and firing off a shotgun.

 

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off

through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,

praying that I'd make it before the grandmal assplosion took place.

 

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the

inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning

SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle

of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound,

and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch! ', then quickly left.

 

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart

intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me

and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some

prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run

the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

 

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The

employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,

pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off

returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted

from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

 

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat

but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

 

The next day I went to shop at Costco's. I can't say anymore about

that because we are in court over the whole matter.

 

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

 

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