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Steeldrifter

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3 chinamen bu, chu and fu went to america...... they decided to change there names to suit america.... bu changed to buck, chu changed to chuck and fu...... he got sent back home :D

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This is a long one that I got by e-mail from a lady friend who got this from God knows where...

 

Hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal --

The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now ... the wax. Have the kleenex ready and maybe the Depends, you'll laugh that hard...

Read on...

 

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.

Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!

Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)

I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRRRIIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!!

Blinded from pain!!!!....

OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums???

Breathe, breathe............

OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy -- a wax-covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.

I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair???

WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip...it's not!

I touch.

I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet?

I know I need to do something.

So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut!

My butt is sealed shut.

Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself

'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits, and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub --

The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together,is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!!

I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace...the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point?

I rub some on and OH MY STARS !!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.

'IT WORKS !!!

It works!!!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...

THE HAIR IS STILL THERE...ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

 

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

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there was a guy that worked in a saw mill./...... one day he accidently sawn of f the left half of his body....... they rushed him to the hospital but the doctor said dont worry he is all right

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Things you can ONLY say at Thanksgiving.... (and get away with it)

 

1. Talk about huge breasts!

 

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

 

3. It's Cool Whip time!

 

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

 

5 Whew, that's one terrific spread!

 

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

 

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

 

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

 

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

 

10. Don't play with your meat.

 

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

 

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

 

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

 

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

 

15. How long will it take after you stick it in? .

 

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

 

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

 

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

 

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

 

 

Happy Thanksgiving Y'all!

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Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

 

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new

employee.

 

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

 

 

 

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

 

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains []of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

 

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

 

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena ...

 

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

 

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

 

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Mrs Johnson was reading her first grade class a book about chicken little, the book was about how chicken littles dad said stars are falling from the sky and the aliens were coming. When mrs johnson finished the book and asked the class what they thought the moral of the story was. One little girl raised her hand and when Mrs johnson asked what she thought she simply said "holy sh** a talking chicken :)

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Husband Down in Aisle 25

A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

 

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

 

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

 

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so

they carry on shopping.

 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face

cream and puts it in the basket.

 

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

 

'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

 

Her husband retorts: So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the

price.

 

 

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.'

 

Bananeyessss.gif

 

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Billy and Willy were at sunday school learning about Noah"s Ark. On the way

 

home billy asked willy "hey billy do you think Noah did much fishing?"

 

"how could he" replied willy "he only had 2 worms"

 

 

....hmmmm...maybe that is how fly fishing got started..... <_<

 

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM "UP NORTH" WHEN...

 

you only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup

you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

the mosquitoes have landing lights

you have more miles on your snowblower than your car

TrueValue Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow

you think everyone has an accent

you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons

you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for ice hockey

the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun

your snowblower gets stuck on the roof

you head south to go to your cottage

you find -20F a little chilly

the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots

you can play road hockey on skates

shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout

you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

the municipality buys a zamboni before a bus

you won't go from door to door giving your money away..but

always elect others who will do it for you.

Realize that living really begins 800 miles south

 

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Every last member on this board got together for a once in a lifetime fishing trip. Sadly on the way to the destination the bus they were traveling on went over a 500 foot cliff and exploded in a ball of fire.

 

Next thing the group knew they were standing single file, lined up, fly rods in hand, in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter was interviewing each member in turn. As usual I found myself at the backend of the line.

 

I watched in amazement as the gates repeatedly swung open to admit member after member. Not one rejection! Unbelievable!. I was rubbing my hands in excitement and anticipation.

 

Finally my turn came. St. Peter asked me no question . He simply stated flatly and firmly up front....no fly fishermen are ever permitted to enter into heaven my son. Shocked, I was almost speechless but finally managed to point and screech...what about all those guys? Everyone of them is a fly fisherman

 

Pete smiled sweetly as he replied: Nah, son ...they only think they are.

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Every last member on this board got together for a once in a lifetime fishing trip. Sadly on the way to the destination the bus they were traveling on went over a 500 foot cliff and exploded in a ball of fire.

 

Next thing the group knew they were standing single file, lined up, fly rods in hand, in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter was interviewing each member in turn. As usual I found myself at the backend of the line.

 

I watched in amazement as the gates repeatedly swung open to admit member after member. Not one rejection! Unbelievable!. I was rubbing my hands in excitement and anticipation.

 

Finally my turn came. St. Peter asked me no question . He simply stated flatly and firmly up front....no fly fishermen are ever permitted to enter into heaven my son. Shocked, I was almost speechless but finally managed to point and screech...what about all those guys? Everyone of them is a fly fisherman

 

Pete smiled sweetly as he replied: Nah, son ...they only think they are.

 

Low Blow BBT :hyst: However I fear you are right in my case...

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Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and another passenger were on a plane.

Hillary takes a penny out of her pocket and says to the other passengers, ‘I’m going to throw this penny out and make one person happy.’

She opens up the window and tosses it out.

Then Bill stands up and takes two pennies out of his pocket. ‘I’m going to toss these out of the plane and make two people happy.’ He says and throws them out.

Then the other passenger says, “How about I throw both of you out of the plane and make every one happy!”

 

 

Jan

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A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

 

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

 

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

 

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, " What are you doing?"

 

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe, now you'll have to patch it after dinner." <_<

 

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