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Steeldrifter

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YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM "UP NORTH" WHEN...

 

you only own three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup

you design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit

the mosquitoes have landing lights

you have more miles on your snowblower than your car

TrueValue Hardware on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas

you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

you've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard

driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow

you think everyone has an accent

you think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons

you owe more money on your snowmobile than your car

the local paper covers national and international headlines on l/4 page, but requires 6 pages for ice hockey

the most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun

your snowblower gets stuck on the roof

you head south to go to your cottage

you find -20F a little chilly

the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer

you attended a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your snowmobile boots

you can play road hockey on skates

shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout

you know the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

the municipality buys a zamboni before a bus

you won't go from door to door giving your money away..but

always elect others who will do it for you.

Realize that living really begins 800 miles south

That sums up life in Northern Minnesota. :headbang: But I wouldn't have it any other way! :yahoo:

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Official Upstate New York Temperature Conversion Chart

> >

> > 60 above

> > * New Jerseyites try to turn on the heat.

> > * People in Upstate New York plant gardens.

> >

> > 50 above

> > * Californians shiver uncontrollably.

> > * People in Upstate New York sunbathe.

> >

> > 40 above

> > * Italian and English cars won't start.

> > * People in Upstate New York drive with the

> windows down.

> >

> > 32 above

> > * Distilled water freezes.

> > * Sacandaga Lake's water gets thicker.

> >

> > 20 above

> > * Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves

> and woolly hats.

> > * People in Upstate New York throw on a flannel

> shirt

> >

> > 15 above

> > * Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.

> > * People in Upstate New York have the last

> cook-out before it gets cold.

> > * People in Miami all die.

> > * Upstaters lick the flagpole.

> >

> > 20 below

> > * Californians fly away to Mexico.

> > * People in Upstate New York get out their winter

> coats.

> >

> > 40 below

> > * Hollywood disintegrates.

> > * The Girl Scouts in Upstate NY are selling

> cookies door to door.

> >

> > 60 below

> > * Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.

> > * Upstate Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival"

> classes until it

> > gets cold enough.

> >

> > 80 below

> > * Mt. St. Helen's freezes.

> > * People in Upstate NY rent some videos.

> >

> > 100 below

> > * Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

> > * Upstaters get frustrated because they can't thaw

> the keg.

> >

> > 297 below

> > * Microbial life no longer survives on dairy

> products.

> > * Cows in Upstate NY complain about farmers with

> cold hands.

> >

> > 460 below

> > * ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the

> Kelvin scale).

> > * People in Upstate NY start saying..."Cold 'nuff

> for ya?"

> >

> > 500 below

> > * Hell freezes over.

> > * The Buffalo Bills win the Super Bowl.

 

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Lady gets pulled over by a trooper,

 

Trooper says whats your hurry ?

 

She says I love my job and I'm late.

 

Trooper says What do you do for a living ?

 

Lady says I'm a rectum strecher...the morgue sends me rectums and

strech them and strech them until thier about six foot tall.

 

Trooper says And what do you do with a six foot rectum.

 

Lady replys... You give them a speed gun and put them on top of a overpass.

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An executive from the northern rust belt was given a high level assignment. He was to travel to Japan to negotiate and sign a multi-million dollar deal with a famous old Japanese business firm. Before departure the CEO of his organization reminded him of just how precarious was his firm's financial situation and that it was imperative that he be successful if they were to remain a viable concern.

 

The guy arrives in Tokyo. He finds he can't sleep due to jet lag and heads out for a bar. He is sititng there enjoying a drink when he is propositioned by a Japanese lady of the night. After a couple of more drinks he says "what the heck" and takes her back to his hotel.

 

After the "fun" begins the Japanese girl immediately goes absolutely nuts. She is screaming,wiggling and trashing wildly,clawing his back, shouting in apparent Japanese ecstasy... Isu magati.....isu magati....isu magti..yeoweee...isu magati...

 

Next morning the slightly hung over and thoroughly exhausted exec has an appointment to play 18 holes of golf with the head of the firm he is dealing with. Also several of the executives of that firm wil be playing with them in a "break the ice" get- together, before the business meeting gets underway.

 

On the 6th hole the Japanese CEO tees off and scores an amazingly spectacular hole in one. His underlings are patting him on the back with congratulations. The rust belter thinks ....ok...here is my chance to score some big time brownie points with this chump and his flunkies. He recalls what the lady last night had screamed out in Japanese....so he starts jumping up and down...clapping wildly and shouting at the top of his lungs ....Isu magati...isu magati....

 

The japanese exec throws down his club... all glare at the American, walk face to face and demand icily...what the 'ell you mean...wrong hole?

.

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Class Will Tell

 

 

Tom and Jerry were at a rather swank cocktail party in downtown Atlanta. Tom was impressing Jerry with his ability to talk to a new aquaintence for a few minutes then announce correctly the school the man had attended.

 

Tom picked a target and after a few moments of casual conversation asked "excuse me but did you go to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill?"

 

The guy replied well yes I did. How did you know?

 

Tom answered "well you seem to ave a very analytical and scientific character about you". Jerry was impressed.

 

Tom picked another and after repeating the procedure correctly named this person as a graduate of Ole Mississippi State based on his debonair bearing and open manlinesss, coupled with a gracious Southern style.

 

Jerry was flabberghasted. "How can you do that so easily" he asked Tom.

 

Tom said "there is nothing to it." you can do it too. "Just look closely for clues while you chat." Now there is someone over there we have not met before. Why don't you give it a shot?

 

Jerry santered over and struck up a conversation. After only a few moments Jerry inquired "You attended class at the University of Michigan..right?

 

The man looked at Jerry with a bit of amazement and demanded to know how he knew that.

 

"It was easy" said Jerry. Besides the lampshade on your head ,I noticed your class ring as you were picking your nose.

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a test for intelligent people.

 

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

 

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?

 

Wrong Answer.

 

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

 

3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory..

 

Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.

 

4. There is a river you must cross but crocodiles use it, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

 

 

 

 

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

 

According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old..

 

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends.

 

PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

 

 

 

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love it, Floyd, and I admit, I failed it!! Guess that makes me a professional something?!

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I haven't read them all so this may have been posted before.

 

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says: "Did you know that Moose have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"DAMN!!" exclaims his friend, "I JUST JOINED THE ELKS!!"

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Parked on the side of the road waiting to catch speeding drivers, a state trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 mph.

He thinks to himself, This driver is as dangerous as a speeder!

 

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

 

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly

ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back..... wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, 'Officer,

I don't understand. I was going the exact speed limit.

What seems to be the problem?'

 

The trooper trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her

that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

 

But before you go, Ma'am, I have to ask.... Is everyone in this car OK?

These women seem awfully shaken.'

 

Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Highway 115. :bugeyes:

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Some where out west a boy and his grandfather were having a discussion...

 

Boy: "Granddad; What's the difference between a Northern Redneck and a Southern Redneck?"

 

Granddad: "That's easy son. The Redneck from the South kind enough to warn ya before he does something stupid. With a Northern Redneck, you won't know. what happened til' it's to late."

 

 

 

 

 

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One day at a cafeteria a woman started screaming, "My little girl is choking! She's chocking on a nickel! Someone please help!!!"

A man from a nearby table jumps up and walks over to their table and business-like puts both his arms around the child and swiftly and strongly squeezes her. The nickel pops out. The man goes and sits back down at his table. The woman is taken aback. "How did you do that?" she asked, amazed. "Do you teach CPR or something?"

"No," The man says, "I work for the IRS."

 

 

 

 

Jan :lol:

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I was confused when I heard the word 'Service'

 

Used with these agencies.

 

Internal Revenue 'Service'

 

U.S. Postal 'Service'

 

Telephone 'Service'

 

Cable TV 'Service'

 

Civil 'Service'

 

State, City, County & Public 'Service'

 

Customer 'Service'

 

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

 

But today, I overheard two farmers talking,

and one of them said he had hired a bull to

'Service' a few cows.

 

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

 

Now I understand what all those

 

Agencies are doing to us.

 

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I was confused when I heard the word 'Service'

 

Used with these agencies.

 

Internal Revenue 'Service'

 

U.S. Postal 'Service'

 

Telephone 'Service'

 

Cable TV 'Service'

 

Civil 'Service'

 

State, City, County & Public 'Service'

 

Customer 'Service'

 

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

 

But today, I overheard two farmers talking,

and one of them said he had hired a bull to

'Service' a few cows.

 

BAM!!! It all came into focus.

 

Now I understand what all those

 

Agencies are doing to us.

 

 

Don't forget Secret "service" Floyd. Cheers Futzer.

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Subject: Early Dismissal.

It's near the Christmas break of the school year.

The students have turned in all their work and

there is really nothing more to do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides

to have an early dismissal.

 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask,

first and correctly can leave early today."

 

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here.

I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

 

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

 

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

 

Johnny is even madder than before.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

 

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

 

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer

to any of the questions.

 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,

"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

 

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

 

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS.

CAN I GO NOW?"

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