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Steeldrifter

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Signs of maturity:

 

1: your house plants are alive,and you cant smoke any of them

 

2:having sex in a twin bed is out of the question

 

3:you keep more food than beer in the fridge

 

4:6am is when you get up....not when you go to bed

 

5:you hear your favorite song in the elevator

 

6:you watch the weather channel

 

7:"i just cant drink the way i use too" replaces "I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN!"

 

8:your the one calling the police because "those damn kids next door wont turn down the stereo"

 

9:you no longer drink at home to save money before going to the bar

 

10:you read this entire list looking desperatly looking for one that DIDNT apply to YOU!

 

SD

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QUOTE (steeldrifter @ May 13 2004, 06:26 PM)
Signs of maturity:

4:6am is when you get up....not when you go to bed

9:you no longer drink at home to save money before going to the bar

10:you read this entire list looking desperatly looking for one that DIDNT apply to YOU!

SD

lol.gif

 

I go to bed at 3 am now and I never went to bars, they were too expensive.

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A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist for something that will help the hicups

 

the pharmacist reaches out over the counter and slaps the man right across the face

 

"what did you do that for?" asks the man

 

"well you dont have the hicups now do you?" the parmacist replied

 

 

 

"well no.......but my wife out in the car probaly still does"

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Effective february 1st the California Highway patrol and the California dept of Fish and Game will be merged to form the new California dept of Fish and Chips!

 

dry.gif

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While sport fishing in Flordia a tourist's boat capsized,the man could easily swim to shore but the fear of gators keep him clinging to the over turned boat

 

Spoting a old beachcomber on shore the man yelled "hey are there any gators out here??"

 

"Naw" the man shouted back "they aint been around for years!"

 

Feeling safe the tourist started swimming leisurely towards shore

 

About halfway there he asked the old man "hey how'd you get rid of the gators?"

 

"We didnt do nothin" the old man replied "the sharks got em" shocking.gif

 

SD

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Man walks into a bar and says "excuse me sir...i'd like a pint of beer"

 

"sure that will be four dollars" replies the bartender

 

So the man gets out his money and hands the bartender a $20

 

"sorry sir i cant exceopt that"

 

so the man pulls out a $10 and the bartender tells him the same same "i cant except that"

 

"Whats goin on here???" replies thye man dunno.gif

 

The bar tender lifts his hand and points to a neon sign hanging on the wall flashing......... SINGLES BAR!

 

 

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SD,

 

You really have to get some new jokes.By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

 

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

 

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

 

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

 

"Never better." said the Marine.

 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

 

"Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.

 

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

 

 

 

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A bear walks into a bar and asks the bar tender for a beer,the bartender tells him "Sorry,we dont serve bears in here"

 

the bear replies "well if you dont give me a beer i'll eat that woman sittin in the corner over there"

 

"go ahead" replys the bartender

 

So the bear gos over and eats the woman in the corner,afterwards he gos back to the bar tender and asks for a beer again

 

the bartender tells him "sorry we dont serve bears on drugs!"

 

the bear says "what are you talkin about,i'm not on drugs!"

 

"Yes you are" replies the bartender "that was the barbituate!"

 

dry.gif

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A man was speeding down the highway feeling safe in a group of other cars that were all speeding,but as they passed a speed trap he was pulled over.

 

As the officer handed him the ticket and started to walk back to his cruiser the man turned and asked him "officer...look i know i WAS speeding but there were 6 other cars all around me going just as fast if not faster....its not fair,why did I get the ticket?"

 

The officer walked back up to the man sitting in his car and said ..."well.....you ever go fishing?"

 

"umm...yeah,whats that got to do with anything?" the confused man replied

 

 

the officer grinned and then asked "ever catch ALL the fish?"

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An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch

watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by

carrying something big under his arm. He yells out "Hey boy,

whatcha got there?"

 

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

 

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

 

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

 

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with

chicken wire!"

 

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

 

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old

man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with

about 30 chickens caught in it.

 

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun

rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of

round in his hand.

 

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

 

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

 

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

 

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with

duck tape!"

 

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

 

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to

the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled

roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it

 

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by

carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on

the end.

 

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

 

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

 

Old man says "Wait up.... I'll get my hat."

 

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A camper was stopped by a DNR Game Warden in Michigan as he was returning to his campsite with a bucketful of still-alive fish.

“Do you have a license to catch those fish,” the game warden asked.

“No sir, don’t need one, these are my pet fish,” the man replied.

“Pet fish?” the warden asked.

“Yes, sir every night I take these fish down to the lake where I’m camped and let them swim around for awhile.

When they hear my whistle, they jump right back into the bucket and I take them back to the camp.”

“That’s a bunch of bologna” the game warden said, as he reached for his pad of citations.

 

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said “ If you don’t believe me, then follow me back to the lake to see how it works.”

 

Still suspicious but curious, the game warden agreed.

So they walked to the lake.

There, the man poured the fish into the lake, where they disappeared into the water.

“Okay,” said the game warden. “Call them back.”

“Call who back?” the man answered.

“The fish,” relied the warden.

“What fish? Asked the man. unsure.gif wallbash.gif

 

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On christmas morning a cop on horseback was sitting at a corner when a kid on a shiny new bike rides up next to him

 

The cop says "nice bike son,did santa bring that to you?'

 

kid says "yeah"

 

"well next year tell santa to put a tail light on the back of that bike " and he proceeds to give the kid a $20 bicycle violation ticket

 

the kid took the ticket but before he rode off he said "by the way thats a nice horse you got there,santa bring that to you?"

 

humoring the kid the cop said "yeah,sure did"

 

the kid says "well next year tell santa to put the A**hole on the back of the horse,instead of on top of it"

 

bugeyes.gif

 

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Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he'd forgotten to bring bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake crawling by who had caught a worm. He snatched up the little snake and robbed him of his worm. Then, feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went back to his fishing. An hour or so later, the fisherman felt a tug on his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same little snake with three more worms.

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