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Steeldrifter

Joke of the day

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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

 

The doctor said, "We have three possible donors.

 

The first donor is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident.

 

The second donor is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet.

 

And, the third donor is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years.

 

Which do you want?"

 

After some careful thought, the patient replied, "I'll take the lawyer's heart."

 

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the lawyer's heart.

 

"It was easy," explained the patient...

 

"I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

 

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I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been

very wise.

 

You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive

quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap yourself' chili.

 

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes

with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your

butt cheeks WILL fall off.

 

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of

coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.

 

No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way

through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual

morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

 

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I

bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and lunch tidbits.

 

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and

began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.

 

It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the

pain hit me. Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.

 

The thing is, this pain was different.

 

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In

a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,

forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the

direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The peppers fired a warning shot.

 

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a

noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to

move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly,

the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to

move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction

would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as she

walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions

emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

 

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she

walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible

that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there

blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.

This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Mistake.

 

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',

if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth

from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a

few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store

and firing off a shotgun.

 

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off

through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,

praying that I'd make it before the grandmal assplosion took place.

 

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the

inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning

SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle

of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound,

and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch! ', then quickly left.

 

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart

intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me

and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some

prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run

the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

 

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The

employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and,

pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off

returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted

from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

 

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat

but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.

 

The next day I went to shop at Costco's. I can't say anymore about

that because we are in court over the whole matter.

 

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

 

uh....guilty :unsure: ...and I think I peed myself... :whistle:

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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

 

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

 

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating dinner out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

 

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

 

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

 

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too..

 

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 

 

 

 

 

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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Some fishing terms

 

Ten common fishing terms explained

 

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

 

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his live savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

 

Line - Something you give your co-workers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

 

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

 

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

 

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

 

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

 

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

 

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.

 

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

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To my Darling Husband,

 

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned into the driveway.

 

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia's and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

 

The garage door is slightly bent, but the pick-up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

 

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you, my sweetheart.

 

I am enclosing a picture for you.

 

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

 

 

Your loving wife. XX

 

post-10925-1270646097_thumb.jpg

 

PS: Your girlfriend phoned.

 

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At the Saturday night tent revival the preacher announces,

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar."

 

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks:

"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

 

The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of

Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,

"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

 

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

 

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A few of my favorites.

 

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I've lost my electron."

The other says, "Are you sure?"

The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

A man complains:

"Doc, I keep hearing the same song playing over and over and over in my mind.

I can’t sleep, I can’t concentrate at work…what’s wrong with me?”

Doc asks: “What song is it?”

Man replies: “What’s New Pussycat"

"Oh boy, that's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc.

"The Tom Jones syndrone? That sounds terrible. Is it common?" asks the man.

"It's Not Unusual," says the doc.

 

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.

 

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?"

"Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog

up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man.

"No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.

 

There are three kinds of people in this world: those that can count, and those that can't.

 

6 out of every 5 people don't understand fractions.

 

Youngster: Mr. Smith, what is your secret to reach 100 years old and remain healthy?

Mr. Smith: Easy, I never argue

Youngster: Oh! Come on! It can't be that!

Mr. Smith: Ok, It can't be...

 

Have you guys heard of that new pirate movie?

It's rated ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

 

 

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A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were

 

camping when they ran out of food. The

 

brunette went out hunting and came back the

 

next morning with a deer.

 

 

 

How did you get

 

that? asked the redhead. Well, said the

 

brunette found the tracks followed the tracks,

 

shot the deer. The next night the redhead went

 

out hunting. The next morning she came back

 

with a bear.

 

 

 

How did you get that? asked the

 

blonde. Found the tracks, followed the tracks,

 

shot the bear, said the redhead. The third night

 

the blonde went out and the next morning she

 

came back brusied, bloody, and clothes torn.

 

What happened said the brunette? The blonde

 

replied, found the tracks, followed the tracks,

 

got hit by the train.

 

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How many Chuck Norrises does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

NONE because even a light bulb is afraid to be alone in the dark with Chuck Norris!

 

 

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Guest rich mc

from chuck norris's book when he does a push up the earth moves , not his body rich mc

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Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

 

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

 

Bill replied, 'I've have been in jail.'

 

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

 

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

 

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'

 

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

 

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First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet School were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In vet medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor:

The first is that you pay strict attention to what is going on.

The second is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body.

 

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes. But eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

 

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

"If you remember, the first most important quality is to pay strict attention.

 

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now let's try again."

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

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How many Chuck Norrises does it take to screw in a light bulb?

 

 

NONE because even a light bulb is afraid to be alone in the dark with Chuck Norris!

 

Do you know how many chuck norris ones I can do?? lol

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