Jump to content
Fly Tying
Steeldrifter

Joke of the day

Recommended Posts

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.

 

After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

 

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

 

The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

 

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate, "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Man has a chicken farm with a 1000's hens.

Every rooster he buys dies trying to breed all of them.

 

Farmer down road has a roster that can breed them all and more.

 

one farmer ask the other the price.other says1000 dollars.

 

That is pricey but he buys him takes him home and gives the roster a pep talk.Now don't over do it the first day and lets him go.

 

Rooster takes of screwing every hen there.

 

Farmer lookes out and the rooster down by the pond doing everyduck there.

 

Later farmer looks out and that rooster is chasing a pheasant across the field gets a hold on it does it.

 

Farmer goes to bed wakes up looks out side see's rooster laid out in the field dead.

 

Farmer walkes out looks see's buzzerd's circling.i told you not to over do it your first day.

 

rooster looks up and say's quite i have them circling.

 

tt

 

I know this is an old post, but damn that was funny!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man walks into a bar and orders three pints of beer. drinks them and leaves he does for a few nights and the bartender asks why he orders three, so the man says "well, this one here is for my brother, Fineas who is off in the war across the sea, and this one is for my other brother, Fergis, who is also in the war, and the third one is for me, i drink these three glasses because i love them and they are very dear to me." and so the next night the man says "you know what give me two pints this time." the bartender says "oh no, what happened did something happen?" the man says "no my brothers are fine its just that... I've decided to quit drinking" :lol: :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Little Susie, a first grader, goes home from school and tells her mom that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at doing them.

 

Mom: "YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your undies".

 

Susie: " I know they do ... that's why I hide them in my backpack"!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young Kentucky State Trooper is running radar in rural eastern Kentucky. He clocks a sedan traveling well above the posted limit. He catches up to the vehicle and pulls it to the shoulder of the road. He approaches the driver and discovers an elderly lady. The trooper asks the lady, "Ma'am, are you okay?" The elderly lady replies: "Why yes, dear, I'm fine." The trooper asks for her license, insurance, etc, which the elderly woman gladly gives to the trooper. The trooper then asks : "Ma'am, is there anything in the car I need to be made aware of?" The grandmotherly woman replies: "Well, my .38 revolver is under the seat." The trooper, a little shocked, says :"Okay, is there anything else?" The elderly lady says, "Well, my 9mm is in the glove box." Now, a little concerned, the trooper asks, "Ma'am, is there ANYTHING else?" The little old lady says, " Oh yes! My Colt 44 is in the console." The trooper, almost at a loss for words, and very concerned for the lady,says: "Ma'am, may I ask what you're afraid of?" With a smirk and a twinkle in her eye, the elderly lady says, "Not a f--king' thing!" :blink: :blink: :blink:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A Michigan Trooper doing Radar on US 23 clocks are car traveling 23 miles per hour knowing this is dangerous he pulls the car over. When reaching the car he sees 4 elderly women sitting in the car. The driver asks what was wrong? The officer replies that she was only doing 23 miles per hour and was worried about the slow speed. The driver said she was sorry that she thought that was the speed limit. The officer looking around notices that the 3 passengers are all white as ghosts asks if they were ok? The driver explains they are all ok they just got off of I 96!!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

 

 

 

The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, Ray Ban® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

 

 

 

 

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

 

 

 

 

 

 

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

 

 

 

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

 

 

 

 

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars' worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

 

 

 

 

 

Now give me back my dog.

 

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

This guy walks into a bar with a monkey, the bartender says hey man I'm sorry but you can't bring that monkey in here. The guy says man this is my pet monkey and he is pretty cool he will eat anything that you throw on the floor, if you'll buy me a beer I'll show you. The bartender looks at the few guys sitting at the bar, they all kinda shrug so he sets the guy up with a beer. The guy sits down on a barstool grabs a handful of peanuts throws em on the floor and the monkey goes crazy running around popping them in his mouth and eating them as fast as he can. All the guys at the bar are just laughing their asses off, so it's not long before they are all throwing peanuts, pretzels, chips and stuff out there for the monkey. The whole time a couple of guys have been shooting pool, one of them breaks a rack and the cue ball flys off of the table and comes rolling across the floor towards the bar before anybody knows what's happening the monkey comes running across the room snatches up the cue ball and swallows it. All the guys at the bar can't believe it "damn did y'all see that he just ate that cue ball", the guy that owns the monkey starts to get worried about him and leaves after a few minutes. A few months goes by and the guy comes back in with the monkey , the same guys sitting at the bar are shocked, the bartender say man he's alright huh, the guy says yeah he's fine. The bartender asks does he still eat stuff off of the floor and the guys says oh yeah sure does. One of the guys at the bar throws a peanut on the floor, the monkey runs over grabs the peanut sticks it in his butt then pops it in his mouth and eats it. The man says "wow he just stuck that in his butt and then ate it" , the monkeys owner said " yeah ever since that cue ball he sizes everything BEFORE he eats it!!!!"

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

MEANWHILE, AT HOME DEPOT

Bill, age 20, and Sam, age 75, are pushing their carts around Home Depot, when they collide.

Sam says to Bill, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

Bill says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

Sam says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

Bill answers "Well, she is 24, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top, and no bra... What does your wife look like?"

Sam replies, "Doesn't matter... let's look for yours."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Paddy and Murphy walking home from the pub. "hey Murphy, I know a great spot for some salmon, just reach down and grab them"

So Paddy takes Murphy and holds his ankles while Murphy dangles over the bridge to catch some salmon.

15min later "Hey Murphy you caught one yet?"

"Nope I'll keep trying"

30 mins later "Hey Murphy, what you doing? you not caught one yet?"

"nope keep trying"

Ten minutes later "QUICK QUICK Paddy pull me up, pull me up!"

"why? have you finally caught one?"

 

 

"NO The trains coming"...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

 

"What?" Glenn screamed. "You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion."

 

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning "dead and gone").

 

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, "Meow" (meaning "he's gone").

 

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. "$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!"

 

The vet explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan...."

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

HUSBAND: Hey, Honey, What would you do if we won the lottery?

 

WIFE: I'd take half and leave your sorry ass!

 

HUSBAND: Excellent. I won $12. Here's $6. Get the F%*K out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...