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Long car ride last weekend with my Girls. The subject of breathing in Helium and the effects on the vocal cords was discussed. This lead me to ask the question, "if you breath in too much Helium and ingest some of the gas, when you fart will it come out as a squeek?"

My wife had a look of disdain on her face while my daughters were trying not to cry with laughter.


Just the way my mind works on long rides.



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Dear Citizens,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

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I didn't go back to see if this has been posted before. All I can say is, I laugh every time I read this.

The chili contest

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was
assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3." Here are the scorecard notes from the event:


Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me
two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.


Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.

Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting $&$&-faced

from all of the beer.


Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is
starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili
an aphrodisiac?


Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and
I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given

me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the

pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to

stop screaming. Screw them.


Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.


Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing,

it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through

the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

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A guy walks into a bar with a seal under his arm.


Bartender asks, "What'll it be?".


Guy responds, "I'll have a large draft beer, and a Canadian Club for my friend."

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Man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.

"What can I get you," asks the barkeep?


"I'll have a beer and some peanuts ... water and a couple of barflies for my friend."

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A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store.


When the store opened, a customer comes in and asks one of the clerics “are you the fish friar?”

“ Oh, no” the cleric answers, “I'm the chip monk!"

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A monastery decided to start a fish and chips store.


When the store opened, a customer comes in and asks one of the clerics “are you the fish fryer?”

“ Oh, no” the cleric answers, “I'm the chip monk!"

The dilemma for them is no matter how well the shops doing, they always have 12 baskets of fish and breadcrumbs left over at the end of the day.

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Here are a couple of examples of why I get concerned about the lack of grammatical correctness.


"When do we eat, Grandma?"

"When do we eat Grandma?"


"Today, we shall learn how to cut and paste, children."

"Today, we shall learn how to cut and paste children."


Proof that commas can save lives and prevent unnecessary pain and suffering.

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Guest rich mc

did you hear about the guy that took Viagra and had the pill get stuck in his throat ?........... he had a stiff neck for a week rich mc

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Did you hear about the hijacking of the cargo truck. It was filled with Viagra and iron supplement pills. Police are looking for hardened criminals. They are very sure they'll be headed North.

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In retirement facilities they give it to the men to keep them from rolling out of bed.

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