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Steeldrifter

Joke of the day

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A captain and co-pilot passed through the passenger gate waiting area wearing dark glasses, and with white canes tapped their way down the jet way and into the cockpit. Needless to say, this made the passengers more than a little nervous.

Soon the airplane was loaded, the door closed and the plane was pushed back from the gate. The engines were started and the plane began to slowly zigzag its way toward the runway. Finally it aligned itself and began to speed down the runway getting faster and faster...the anxiety level of the passengers growing...

Then, when it looked as though the plane was going off the end of the runway and into a nearby lake, suddenly they all screamed. It was then that the plane slowly lifted its nose and became airborne.

 

There was a great sigh of relief back in the cabin. But in the cockpit the co-pilot says to the captain, "One day they are going to scream too late and we are all going to die!"

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ACROSS THE RIVER JORDAN

 

Ted Kennedy, John Kerry and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land.

 

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

 

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth.

 

The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water."

 

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

 

Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him.

 

He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

 

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next.

 

A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw John Kerry almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know John Kerry and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

 

Archangel Michael replied ...

 

"He's standing on Kennedy's shoulders!!"

 

 

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Dear Tech Support:

 

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower

and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under

Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other

valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. If

that wasn't bad enough, Husband 1.0 then installed undesirable programs

such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no

longer runs, and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried

running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

 

Signed,

Desperate

 

Dear Desperate:

 

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command:

C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should

Automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to

default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.

 

WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly 3.1.

 

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or Reinstall

another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will

crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, But it does

have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might

consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I

personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

 

Good Luck,

Tech Support

 

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Olaf & Sven go fishing

 

Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light.

 

"Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into

his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long.

 

"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his

hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster?!"

 

"Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie."

 

"You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked.

 

"Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf.

 

"Could I see him?"

 

So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie.

 

Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your

master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"

 

"Yes, I will," says the genie.

 

So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears

back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his

million bucks.

 

Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million

ducks flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells

at Olaf.

 

"Yumpin' Yimmny! I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"

 

Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of

hearing!! Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic??

 

 

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A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him,

 

"What's your IQ?"

 

The man replied, "150."

 

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about

Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.

 

The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar,

turned around, and came back in for another drink.

 

Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking

about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself,

"Wow, this is really cool."

 

The man went out and came back in a third time.

 

As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

 

The man replied, "50."

 

The robot then said, "So, catch any bass lately?"

 

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Ok. So it was a really bad joke. I still love telling it because the expressions you get are priceless. There are a few people that I know that still don't get it.

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LOL @ Chromium headbang.gif

 

Kinda reminds me of a cop walking up to a car with steamed up windows. He takes his night stick and taps on the glass. "Hey, what are you guys doing in there?"

"We're just necking", replied a kid. "Well, put your neck back in your pants and get the **** out of here" bugeyes.gif

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I am a senior citizen.

 

 

 

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job.

 

I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes.

 

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse.

 

I lost my job.

 

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

 

I lost my homes.

 

I lost my health insurance.

 

As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless.

 

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

 

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year.

 

Bush has to go.

 

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Saddam Hussein wallbash.gif ive_been_ripped.gif

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A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check.

 

She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer

 

and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for

 

a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......

 

just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

 

******

 

 

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip

 

replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't

 

hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that

 

make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.

 

Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't

 

remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God,

 

I still have my Florida driver's license!

 

* * * * *

 

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc,

 

I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97.

 

Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

 

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it

 

lowered!"

 

 

*****

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will.

 

She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted

 

to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over

 

Wal-Mart.

 

"Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

 

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.

 

 

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