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Steeldrifter

Joke of the day

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A boat was docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist

questioned the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked

how long it took him to catch them.

 

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.

 

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the

American.

 

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his

needs and those of his family.

 

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

 

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta

with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends,

have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs... I have a

full life."

 

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help

you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the

extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger

boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a

second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of

trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman, you can negotiate

directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los

Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge

enterprise."

 

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.

 

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

 

"And after that?"

 

"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting," answered the

American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start

selling stocks and make millions!"

 

"Millions? Really? And after that?"

 

"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the

coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a

siesta, and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

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Martha Stewart's Advice for Rednecks

 

 

 

General

 

 

 

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

 

DINING OUT

 

 

 

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

 

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

 

 

 

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

 

2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

 

PERSONAL HYGIENE

 

 

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

 

DATING (Outside the Family)

 

 

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.

2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday."

 

THEATER ETIQUETTE

 

 

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.

2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you

 

WEDDINGS

 

 

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.

3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.

4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

 

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

 

 

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.

2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

5. Do not burn rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

 

 

 

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An obviously drunk man staggers into a bar and demands a drink.

 

"No way pal," The bartender answers, "I'm not about to loose my liquor license for you."

 

The drunk casts his gaze around the room, upon spying the spitoon he says.

 

"Well if you wont give me a drink I'll drink from that spitoon."

 

"Go ahead!" Challenges the bartender.

 

The drunk wraps his arms around the spitoon in a clumsy hug and raises it to his lips.

 

"I'm serious I'm really going to do it."

 

The bartender smirks, "Sure you will."

 

The words haven't left his lips when the drunk starts guzzling the foul brown liquid. It runs down his chin and froms a small puddle on the floor.

 

"Geez alright I'll give you a drink." The bartender says.

 

The drunk keeps drinking.

 

The bartender screams, "Stop I'll give you whatever you want a bottle of whiskey some scotch anything.

 

The drunk doesn't stop until he tosses the spitoon down, completely empty.

 

"No thanks," he says "I couldn't possibly drink another drop."

 

"Geez, why didn't you stop didn't you hear me?"

 

"I wanted to," the drunk says, "But I couldn't it was all one long string."

 

 

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Three fly fishermen were heading down to the stream while having a conversation about how proud they are of their son’s achievements at work and how financially secure they are. One fellow was explaining how proud he was of his son the banker, who not only made enough money for his family, he also gave an interest bearing account to his best buddy. The next fly fisher followed up explaining how proud he is because his son made a killing as a stockbroker, in fact he did so well, he gave his best buddy a sizable portfolio of stocks. Wow, we sure are lucky said the third man who mentioned how proud he was of his son the realtor, who made so much money selling properties that he gave his best buddy a new house, free and clear of debt. The three men were obviously happy upon reaching the trout stream, where they ran into their old pal Leaky, who asked why they were so happy. Well we were just taking about how successful our sons are and how financially secure they became. Leaky mentioned that he was not necessarily proud of his sons’ career choice, but he was happy that his son was financially secure. We went on to explain that in fact his son was an exotic dancer at the gay bar downtown, but one of his closest buddies gave him a bank account, another gave him a house and another very close acquaintance gave him a stock portfolio worth a small fortune.

wink.gif

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Hey LW,

 

No disrespect intended, just humor. I liked this joke for a long time, was originally 3 golfers and I noticed I made a few spelling errors trying to remember and type it.

 

Graham

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Upon winning the national wrestling championships, Will decided to go all the way and compete in the world championship tournament, even though this meant wrestling a massively huge Russian named Boris, whom some considered to be an true mutant. Will practiced daily, lifted weights, jogged for miles and ate mostly protein in preparation for the big wrestling match. The big day came and Will was finally face to face with the monstrous Russian, the referee blew the whistle and the big Russian began chasing Will around the mat, yelling come here Smallie. Finally Boris got a firm grasp and began brutalizing his opponent with glee, at one point Will looked up and saw a pair of testicles hanging in front of his face, so he bit them as hard as he could. Suddenly the action on the matt was so fast and furious that the spectators could only see a constant blur, then suddenly Will ended up on top, had Boris in the pretzel hold, and won the world wrestling championship. After the match a reporter asked how he did it, and Will stated, “I never bit my nuts before and I can’t believe how much energy and adrenaline all that pain gave me”.

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Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher.

 

"It seems that your son has developed an interest in the opposite sex, and has become quite a disruption to my class. Would you please speak with him about it?"

 

So, his mother takes him by the hand and leads him into her bedroom.

 

"Johnny, I want you to take off my shoes", and he does.

 

"Now, take off my blouse", and he does.

 

"Now, take off my skirt." Johnny promptly takes off his mothers' skirt.

 

"And now my bra and panties Johnny." Again, Johnny does as he's told.

 

"Now Johnny," she says with a stern look...

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Don't you ever wear my clothes to school again!"

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