Your Film Critic is a great effort and should catch fish as it is. As for changes, I'd suggest the following:
Go with less material on the tail/shuck. Just a few (i.e., 2 or 3) fibers of mallard over a sparse section of synthetic fiber (1/2 the length of the mallard or less).
Use polypropylene yarn for the wing. Standard poly on the card, EP fibers, Widows Web, Congo hair, etc. Antron will hold water.
Before you pull your stacked hackle over the thorax, use your thumb and forefinger to stroke the hackle barbs back several times while you're holding the post upright. Working the barbs this way will help keep them above the body when completed.
Tie the wing down just behind the hook eye, then hold the wing upright while you tie off with a whip finish or a couple hitches. In your example, it appears you wrapped back over the post, creating a large head that occupies a full 1/3 of the shank when you only need a small head of 4-5 turns. You'll be able to get a longer and more proportionate thorax and a bit more hackle to keep the fly up.
Not a big deal but if you're having difficulty keeping the abdomen slim on such a small hook, you could go with an abdomen constructed of working thread or any one of the fine synthetic body materials (e.g., Veevus Body Quill).