mikechell 0 Report post Posted December 13, 2013 The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards President Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!" Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!" So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness throughout the land! Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
essequamvideri 0 Report post Posted January 1, 2014 True story, My family and I coming home from Christmas in another snow storm. Everything is in the back of my open pickup. We are in a pub/restaurant having dinner and my wife asks "do we need to check your bag to make sure it is watertight?" My natural response was "I don't think that is something we should be discussing in front of the Girls." Our two daughters, 15 & 18, almost spit out their food from laughter. It took a good 15 minutes to regain their composure. Even the waitress came over to make sure everything was OK. My wife didn't think it was as funny. Got to love the funny parts of the Holidays! Michael Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Piker20 0 Report post Posted January 2, 2014 Man sees the doctor, 'doctor I've got a strawberry growing on my head' Doctor says 'I've got some cream for that' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
riffleriversteelheadslayer 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2014 The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.""Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for y...ou both."The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand."Yes?" said the Instructor."I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a trout net while we walk?"Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Piker20 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2014 Sitting in the grave yard putting out some flowers and the undertakers walked past with a coffin. 2 hours later they are still carrying the coffin about. i think they've lost the plot. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
riffleriversteelheadslayer 0 Report post Posted January 14, 2014 An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was th...at?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Goats 0 Report post Posted January 14, 2014 An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was th...at?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.' A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...' After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.' Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.' Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, 'What the hell was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides I thought for sure the wife would call "safety" as I neared the end of that one. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
BennyB 0 Report post Posted January 14, 2014 Three drunk guys walking out of a bar and get in a taxi. the driver knowing they are drunk starts the engine then turns it off and say "we have arrived at your destination" the first two guys pay and get out of the car, but the third one slaps the driver. The driver thought the man knew what he did but asked the man why he slapped him? The man replied "next time slow down you almost killed us" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
oldtrout58 0 Report post Posted February 7, 2014 The Piano Player. A ragged, old, derelict shuffled into a dank and dirty bar. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. "I was a Marine F-4 pilot, flying off carriers back in ' Nam , but when they retired the Phantom all the thrill was gone, and soon they cashed me in as well.I learned to play the piano at O-Club happy hours, so here I am." The barkeep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been quite a while since he had a piano player and business was falling off. So, why not give him a try? The seedy pilot staggered his way over to the piano while several patrons snickered. By the time he was into his third bar of music, every voice was silenced.What followed was a rhapsody of soaring music unlike anything heard in the bar before. When he finished there wasn't a dry eye in the place. The bartender took the old fighter pilot a beer and asked him the name of the song he had just played? It's called "Drop your Skivvies, Baby, I'm Going Balls To The Wall For You" he said. After a long pull from the beer, leaving it empty, he said "I wrote it myself." The bartender and the crowd winced at the title, but the piano player just went on into a knee-slapping, hand-clapping bit of ragtime that had the place jumping. After he finished, the fighter pilot acknowledged the applause, downed a second proffered mug, and told the crowd the song was called, "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner Light." He then launched into another mesmerizing song and everyone in the room was enthralled. He announced that it was the latest rendition of his song, "Spread 'em Baby, It's Foggy Out Tonight and I Need To See The Centerline", excused himself and headed for the restroom. When he came out the bartender went over to him and said, "Hey fly boy, the job is yours, but do you know your fly is open and your pecker is hanging out?" "Know it?" the old fighter pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mikechell 0 Report post Posted February 11, 2014 As some of you know ... I am on the road, staying in a hotel for my job. This morning, there's a family sitting in the next booth. A little child is saying grace. (The usual) "Dear Jesus, please make my family happy and keep my sister out of my stuff ... " (Not so usual, and a bit louder) "And PLEASE give the lady next door whatever she's been yelling for so we can get to sleep!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
essequamvideri 0 Report post Posted March 9, 2014 A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" Michael Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mikechell 0 Report post Posted March 9, 2014 I like that one, Michael. I knew it was going to be a pun ... but I like it anyway. I even sung it. LOL Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
essequamvideri 0 Report post Posted March 9, 2014 I too sung the ending. Glad you enjoyed it. Michael Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mikechell 0 Report post Posted March 14, 2014 On another site, there was a discussion, semi argument on where and who fly fishing started with. To lighten the mood, I put together a history lesson on the REAL first fly anglers. Didn't even get a chuckle out of them. So, I figured I put it here to see if anyone appreciates it here. Below is my reply. "I'll have to interject a little known fact about the history of fly tying. All of the human contributors and innovators were actually several million years to late. These rarely seen images show that the dinosaurs did, in fact fly fish long before we did. Lewis and Clark fell through a space/time rift and spent a few harrowing hours in the prehistoric times of the dinosaurs. Plate number three shows that fly fishermen and recreational boaters (Lewis and Clark themselves) clashed even then. The plates are housed in the Lewis and Clark Mystorical Historical Time Travel Museum in Podunkville, New Mexico. It's not well funded and you have to make an appointment to view the artifacts. You can book appointments for any second Tuesday of the second week of each month of the years after the leaps years. Here, then, is your once in a life time chance to view low resolution pictures of those plates. Two Black headed FlyTieresarauses flee a Turkeysaraus after acquiring a few wing feathers for their tying. The Flytieresaraus was known to tie flies, but not to use them. It appears they traded them for not being on the dinner menu of larger dinosaurs. A rare print of a Pheasantosaraus ... whose feather were prized by the Flytieresaraus. The Pheasantosaraus was much more prone to defend it's plummage and many Flytieresarauses were killed trying to acquire these feather. Here is a "self portrait" of Lewis and Clark fleeing an angered fly fishing T-rex. Many dinosaurs, after learning the art of fly fishing, then grew funny looking "Hat" like head adornments and equally odd "clothing" like body modifications. It is believed these were genetic changes that take place in modern day anglers. And a final plate showing anglers vying for space in anticipation of the annual Coelacanth run. I hope you've enjoyed this History lesson. You're welcome." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
shoebop 0 Report post Posted March 14, 2014 You have too much time on your hands Mike. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites