KVRNut 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2007 Glad you got a tickle or two newfie! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cutbow 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2007 Three guys streamside gearing up to fish. Guy 1: Man, my wife made me promoise to finish tiling the kitchen tomorrow so I could go fish. Guy 2: Yeah, me too I have to clean out the gutters. Guy 3: silent Guy1 to guy3: Hey what about you? Reply: Alarm went off at 5:30. I rolled over and said to my wife "fish or sex?" She said "Don't forget your sunscreen". Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
majestyja 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2007 nice cutbow, I like that joke :hyst: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted January 13, 2007 Mid-life crisis > > > > > > When I was married 35 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, > > "Honey, 35 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed > > and watched a 10-inch black and white TV. But I got to sleep every night with a > > hot 25 year-old blonde.” > > > > "Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm > > sleeping with a 60 year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up > > your side of things." > > > > My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot > > 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living > > in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and > > watching a 10-inch black and white TV. > > > > Older women really know how to solve your mid-life crisis. Leaky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KVRNut 0 Report post Posted January 15, 2007 A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and I didn't want to be late. The Mountie told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no freakin` way I can pass that test." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
KVRNut 0 Report post Posted January 16, 2007 Two guys from Prince George die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens, and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer. The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much warm weather up there in Prince George so we've just got to have a cook-out when the weather's THIS nice." The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan, and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling, and screaming like mad men!!! The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two???" The Prince Georgians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you know? If hell freezes over, it must mean the Canucks have won the Stanley Cup!!!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted January 20, 2007 YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A MOTORCYCLE RIDER TO APPRECIATE THIS ONE.... >> A husky biker stopped by the local Harley shop to have his bike >> fixed. >> They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far >> and would just walk home. >> >> On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a >> bucket and an anvil. He also stopped by the feed store and livestock >> dealer >> and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling >> outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his >> purchases >> home. >> >> While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little >> old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me >> how to >> get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The biker said, "Well, as a >> matter of >> fact, >> I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane . I would walk you home but I can't >> carry this stuff." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the >> anvil >> in >> the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under >> each arm >> and carry the goose in your other hand?" >> >> "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old >> girl home. >> >> On the way he said "Let's take my short cut and go down this >> alley. We'll be there in no time." >> >> The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am >> a lonely widow without a husband to defend me." "How do I know that >> when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall >> and have >> your >> way with me?" >> >> The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an >> anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I >> possibly hold >> you >> up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the >> goose down, >> cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and >> I'll hold the chickens." Leaky Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted January 26, 2007 50th Wedding Anniversary On the evening of their 50th Wedding Anniversary, a reminiscing wife, found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine pilot, and said: "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up from his newspaper and said: "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" She asked. He was not much in the mood for this, but, he sighed and responded, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said; 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.' " She giggled and said; "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?" He looked her up and down and replied, "Mission accomplished" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maddog48 0 Report post Posted January 26, 2007 A young boy went up to his father and asked him, Dad, "What is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'? The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a m illion dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied, "Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a future congressman." -- Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maddog48 0 Report post Posted January 26, 2007 Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?" The pharmacist answers, "Yes." Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?" Pharmacist: "Of course we do." Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?" Pharmacist: "All kinds." Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?" Pharmacist: "Definitely." Jacob: "How about Viagra?" Pharmacist: "Of course." Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?" Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works." Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?" Pharmacist: "Absolutely." Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?" Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes." Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
atroutbum2 0 Report post Posted January 27, 2007 A horse and a chicken are in a pasture near a swamp. Suddenly, the horse falls into the swamp and gets stuck. Thinking fast, the chick runs up to the farnhouse, gets a rope and the farmers Harley, rides it back to where the horse is stuck , throws the rope arround the horse, ties it to the harley and tows the horse to safety. A few days later, the chick falls into a puddle too deep for it. The horse stands over the drowning chick and tells it to reach up and grab his "thingy". The chick does this and the horse pulls the chick to safety. Which only goes to show, if your hung like a horse, you dont need a Harley to get chicks. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
maddog48 0 Report post Posted January 28, 2007 A blonde began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, the blonde then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!" Mike Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Joe Hard 0 Report post Posted February 5, 2007 WORK There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
chrisfish 0 Report post Posted February 5, 2007 I knew i quit my job for a good reason :hyst: its all about good health :hyst: Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
billb 0 Report post Posted February 5, 2007 Good one, Daryn! Bill Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
