Jump to content
Fly Tying

Joke of the day

Recommended Posts

Registry on the first day back at school in Leicester, U.K.......
A teacher began calling out the names of the new pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al Len” - Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al Len" - Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
The teacher repeated the call......

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Tyrone, Jamal, and Marcus are sitting on the porch looking out across the street when Marcus says "When I grow up I want to be a doctor so I can own a white caddy just like that one across the street!"

Jamal says " When I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I can own a black Lincoln just like that one across the street!"

Tyrone laughs and says "your both nuts When I grow up I want to have hair all over my body from head to toe!!"

The other two looking confused asked Tyrone "why?"

Tyrone confidently responds "My sister has a patch of hair 1 inch by 4 inches and she owns both them cars!!!!!"

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

My wife came home the other day and said "I've been so busy lately I don't know if I'm coming or going."


I replied "by the look on your face I'd say you're going because when you're coming you look like one of those Down Syndrome kids

trying to whistle."

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Real story: Last Thursday (Feb. 14th), we had a major truck accident on I-4 in Orlando. A truck full of sweet potatoes jack-knifed and split open, spilling sweet potatoes over the highway. The west bound lane was shut down for hours.

My response was that the accident caused a major traffic YAM !!!



"Did you see the news the other day, a truck accident caused the spill of several hundred pounds of "feather-lax."

"Feather-lax, what's that?"

"It's just like Ex-Lax ... except that it tickles the shit out of you."

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest rich mc

i used an outhouse at the state park yesterday and later i mentioned to another that it smells like a cruise ship! rich mc

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Husband and wife are on their porch, rocking and watching the traffic go by. Suddenly the wife reaches over and slaps the husband up side the head. He shakes it off, slowly truns and asks "What was that for?" She replies "that's for 30 years of bad sex."

A few mins. later he leans over and smacks her up side the head. She looks at him sharply and asked "What was that for?!" He replies "That's for knowing the difference!"

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Age old question finally answered.


Women have always claimed giving birth is more painful than a fella being kicked in the nuts.

After some careful thought the answer is clear. Giving birth is less painful. Here's why.


my wife gave birth and then a while later said "I want another baby"

no man has ever said "Id like another smack in the nuts".

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of This country,


way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat.


It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed


him at the front of the boat with a lantern.


He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where theywere heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern


back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his


lantern into the Delaware .


Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters,


but to no avail.


All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.


He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'


They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in


the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington


and these are my men.


We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad


smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.


We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.


Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.


He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."


"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.


"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."


"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.


Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."


The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"


"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.


They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”


The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."




C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story???

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites


Female Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Male: Yes.

Female Interviewer: How much a day?

Male: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Female Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Male: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Female Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

Male: 15 years.

Female Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Male: Correct.

Female Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Male: Correct.

Female Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Male: Do you drink?

Female Interviewer: No.

Male: So where's your f----ing' Ferrari?

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Retiring to the States. Check this first.



Retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.

2.. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.

3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.

4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.

5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!


You can retire to California where...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.

2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

3. You know how to eat an artichoke.

4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.


You can retire to New York City


1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ..

2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

3. You think Central Park is "nature."

4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

5. You've worn out a car horn. (Ed. Note if you have a car).

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


You can retire to Minnesota where...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ..

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and



You can retire to the Deep South where....

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.

3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.

4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jo, Mary Beth, etc etc.

5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

It's important to know the difference, too.


You can retire to Colorado where....

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.


You can retire to the Midwest where...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. (Edit: That's here, right now!! omg.gif)

4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"


FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist..

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Share this post

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Create New...