artimus 0 Report post Posted September 28, 2004 A captain and co-pilot passed through the passenger gate waiting area wearing dark glasses, and with white canes tapped their way down the jet way and into the cockpit. Needless to say, this made the passengers more than a little nervous. Soon the airplane was loaded, the door closed and the plane was pushed back from the gate. The engines were started and the plane began to slowly zigzag its way toward the runway. Finally it aligned itself and began to speed down the runway getting faster and faster...the anxiety level of the passengers growing... Then, when it looked as though the plane was going off the end of the runway and into a nearby lake, suddenly they all screamed. It was then that the plane slowly lifted its nose and became airborne. There was a great sigh of relief back in the cabin. But in the cockpit the co-pilot says to the captain, "One day they are going to scream too late and we are all going to die!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted September 28, 2004 Good one OSD. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted September 28, 2004 ACROSS THE RIVER JORDAN Ted Kennedy, John Kerry and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River, looking across at the promised land. The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River." As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he reassured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned the more you will sink into the water." The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who shall be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River. Finally George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking that all of his sins were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed liked an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank. As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw John Kerry almost in the middle of the river and only his ankles barely touching the water. He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know John Kerry and he has sinned much, much more than that!" Archangel Michael replied ... "He's standing on Kennedy's shoulders!!" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Steeldrifter 0 Report post Posted September 28, 2004 ..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Graham 0 Report post Posted September 28, 2004 Dear Tech Support: Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5. If that wasn't bad enough, Husband 1.0 then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should Automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. BUT remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly 3.1. CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or Reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, But it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted September 29, 2004 Olaf & Sven go fishing Olaf and Sven were fishing one day when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Olaf for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied. Then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a BIC lighter 10 inches long. "Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, taking the huge BIC lighter in his hands. "Vhere did yew git dat monster?!" "Vell", replied Olaf, "I got it from me Genie." "You haff a genie in yor tackle box?" Sven asked. "Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box," says Olaf. "Could I see him?" So Olaf opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the genie. Addressing the genie, Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?" "Yes, I will," says the genie. So Sven asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there, waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying overhead. Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Olaf. "Yumpin' Yimmny! I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!" Olaf answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew that da genie is hard of hearing!! Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Chromium 0 Report post Posted October 1, 2004 A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "150." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string theory, atomic chemistry, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." The man decided to test the robot. He walked out the bar, turned around, and came back in for another drink. Again, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." The man went out and came back in a third time. As before, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "50." The robot then said, "So, catch any bass lately?" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
vices 0 Report post Posted October 1, 2004 Ohhhh .. LMAO... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Backlash 0 Report post Posted October 1, 2004 Ok, here's one to go along with the bar joke. Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducked... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Backlash 0 Report post Posted October 1, 2004 Ok. So it was a really bad joke. I still love telling it because the expressions you get are priceless. There are a few people that I know that still don't get it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted October 1, 2004 LOL @ Chromium Kinda reminds me of a cop walking up to a car with steamed up windows. He takes his night stick and taps on the glass. "Hey, what are you guys doing in there?" "We're just necking", replied a kid. "Well, put your neck back in your pants and get the **** out of here" Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Steeldrifter 0 Report post Posted October 1, 2004 Chromium thats the best one i've seen in awhile Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted October 1, 2004 OSD. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bentflyrod 0 Report post Posted October 6, 2004 I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had several vacation homes. Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War. I lost my homes. I lost my health insurance. As a matter of fact I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me. I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. Sincerely, Saddam Hussein Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Report post Posted October 10, 2004 A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great...... just great.....Some asshole's got my pen." ****** I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license! * * * * * A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!" ***** An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites