Airline Humor

[Guest]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported... Enjoy!!

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1. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

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2. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we’d like to have."

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3. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.

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4. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

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5. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

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6. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening

the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure everything has shifted."

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7. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

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8. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your

favorite.

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9. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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10. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and keep them with our compliments."

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11. "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area.

Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children... or other adults acting like children."

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12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.

Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.

Please do not leave children or spouses."

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13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

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14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline’s fault, it wasn't the pilot’s fault, it wasn't the flight attendant’s fault.....it was the asphalt."

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15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

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16. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the

terminal."

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17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma’am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

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18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through he wreckage to the

terminal."

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19. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of US Airways."

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20. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, “That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

 

 

[Pujic 0]

[vices 0]

Thanks for posting that Dfix

[Steeldrifter 0]

[Carlin 0]

 

Here are some similar ones I got the other day:

 

 

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally

will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between

airline pilots and control towers around the world.

 

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

 

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"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

 

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>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:

"I'm fu*king bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was fu*king bored, not fu*king stupid!"

 

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your

traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

 

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,

"What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

 

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out

after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at

the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the

Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to

the airport."

 

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There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority

landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind

aB-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

 

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Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around

and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A

concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the

problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine,"

explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."

 

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A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because

you lost the bloody war."

 

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after

we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the

runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact

Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we

copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

 

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to

hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,

rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,

"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a

real zinger:

"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have

enough parts for another one."

 

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as

a short-tempered lot.

They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to

get there without any assistance from them.

So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the

following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways

747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been

to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I

didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air

flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,

screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn

right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!

Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference

between C and D,but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting

hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this

out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can

expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you

to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You

got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control

communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of

US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller

in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"