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It was a frustrating week. I tried to get patents on a few things I had been working on.


The lady at the desk was nice enough at first and she started to help me fill them out.


"What is the first device? she asked


It's a folding bottle .... it's called a fottle.


"And the next one sir is a ... ?"


It's a folding carton, it's called a farton.


"That does sound a bit crude a term now doesn't it sir?"


At that point I was so flustered at her response that I grabbed the forms from the counter and just walked out.


I didn't even bother to tell her about my folding bucket!




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The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into

Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased

patrols to stop the illegal immigration.


The actions of President Bush are prompting the exodus among

left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and

agree with Bill O'Reilly.


Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of

sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossing their

fields at night.


"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a

Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red

Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota.


The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry.


"He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken.


When I said I didn't have any, he left.


Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"


In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher

fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that

blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.


"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and

Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."


Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet

liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons,

drive them across the ! border and leave them to fend for themselves.


"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an

Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of

drinking water.


"They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."


When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often

wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives.


Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration

establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink

domestic beer and watch NASCAR races.


In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of

crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus

trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.


After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,

Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the

supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits

to prove they were alive in the '50s.


"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk

Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.


Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are

creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan

Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian

economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.


"How many art-history majors does one country need?"


In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,

Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that

the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to

Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts.


And we might put some endangered species ! on postage stamps.


The President is determined to reach out," he said.

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At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the attorney general said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.


"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," a Justice Department spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."


When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."



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Nine questions That Piss Me Off:



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?




2 People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.




3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?




4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their a$$es!




5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.



6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?


7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.




8 When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?




9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?



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Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:


>The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when


>first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.


>The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been


>your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex

>anywhere, even in the kitchen.


>The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been


>your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually

>have sex only in your bedroom.


>The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been


>your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you


>say "screw you."


>The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in

>the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.


>The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your

>wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone


>And last, but not least:


>7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each

>month. But not enough to live on

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Miss Johnson is a first grade school teacher. She has just put a frech plate of chocolate chip cookies on her desk as the kids are coming in from recess.


The first child in the room is Sally. Miss Johnson turns to Sally and tells her that she has some cookies and that if Sally can go to the chaulkboard and spell a word correctly, she can have one.


Miss Johnson asks Sally what she did during recess and Sally replies, I played in the sandbox with Billy.


Miss Johnson says, Sally that sounds like fun. If you can spell SAND correctly I will give you a cookie. Sally goes to the chaulkboard and writes S-A-N-D.


Very good, Sally, says Miss Johnson and hands her a cookie.


The next child in the room is Billy. Miss Johnson says to Bill, Sally told me that you played in the sandbox with her at recess. Billy nods. Well Bill, Miss Johnson says, if you can go to the chaulkboard and spell the word BOX correctly you can have a cookie.


Billy goes to the chaulkboard and writes B-O-X.


Very good, Billy, says Miss Johnson and hands him a cookie.


The third child into the room is Ahmed. Ahmed is crying and a bit dirty. Miss Johnson goes to him and exclaims, Ahmed what's the matter?


Ahmed replies that at recess he tried to go play in the sandbox with Sally and Billy but when he got close they threw rocks and sand at him.


Miss Johnson shakes her head and says, Oh Ahmed I am sorry. That sounds like blatent racial discrimination to me. Well it's ok, I have cookies for everyone who can go to the chaulkboard and spell words correctly.


And, if you can spell BLATENT RACIAL DISCRIMINATION correctly you can have a cookie.



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Cooking with a Blonde


MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel

food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.

The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra



TUESDAY: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper.

The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't

dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home

for supper.


WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe

said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It

seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't

say it improved the rice any.


THURSDAY: Today Tom asked for salad again. I

tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay

on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked

me why I was rolling around in the garden.


FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It

said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There

must have been something wrong with this recipe. When

I got back, everything was the same as when I left.


SATURDAY: Tom did the shopping today and

brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for

Sunday (oh boy).For some reason Tom keeps counting

to ten.


SUNDAY: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted

to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I

had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven

and set the controls for roast. It still came out

hamburger, much to my disappointment.


GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very

exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I

can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom

into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise

him with chocolate moose.



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A little old lady decided to join The Hell's Angels

One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks:

"Do you have a motorcycle?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep...my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, "Do you drink?"

The little old lady replies, "Yep like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."

The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"

The little old lady replies, Yep, I smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."

The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."



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Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.

Athletic..................................No boobs

Average looking.....................Moooo.

Beautiful.................................Patholog ical liar.

Emotionally Secure.................On medication.


Free spirit...............................Junkie.

Friendship first........................Former slut.

New-Age...............................Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-fashioned.........................No lewinski’s.


Outgoing.................................Loud and Embarrassing.


Voluptuous............................Very Fat.

Large frame...........................Hugely Fat.

Wants Soul mate....................Stalker.



1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?




1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3 I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.



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1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.


2. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.


3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.


4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.


5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."


6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."


7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.


8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.


9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.


10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The choir robes were donated by and embroidered with the logo from Billy Bob's Barbecue.


11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.


12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.


13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.


14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".


15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...

"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.


16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."



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George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.


The President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."


The Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."


Not to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."


The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."



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Following on from the Religious Truths thread earlier on :-




Catholicism: If sh*t happens, I deserve it.


Protestantism: Sh*t won't happen if I work harder.


Judaism: Why does this sh*t always happen to me?


Buddhism: When sh*t happens, is it really sh*t?


Islam: If sh*t happens, take a hostage, burn an embassy.


Hinduism: This sh*t happened before.


Hare Krishna: Sh*t happens, Rama Lama Ding Dong.


Jehovah’s Witness: Knock, Knock - Sh*t happens


Tele-evangelism: Send me your sh*t


Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this sh*t.


Good night and may your God go with you !



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I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. This happened to me at a Walmart in Toronto and it could happen to you.


Here's how the scam works:Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the trunk. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.

It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Walmart. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you,

while the other one steals your wallet.


I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and probably again tonight. Be careful.



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>It was the first day of school and a new student named

>Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.


>The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some

>American History. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give

>me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for

>Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry,

>1775" he said.


>"Very good!" Who said "Government of the People, by

>the People, for the People, shall not perish from the

>Earth?" Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar.

>"Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said

>Chandrashekhar. The teacher snapped at the class,

>"Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is

>new to our country, knows more about its history than

>you do."


>She heard a loud wh isper: "F**k the Indians,"Who said

>that?" she demanded.

>Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer,



>At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna

>puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right!,

>who said that?" Again,Chandrashekhar says, "George

>Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."


>Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? S*ck

>this!" Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving

>his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to

>Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"


>Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said "You

>little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."


>Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his

>voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."


>The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around

>the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit,

>we're f**ked!" and Chandrashekhar quietly

>whispered, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."



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