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Steeldrifter

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Yakov and Alexsei arrive in america,very hungry and without much money

 

They walk through the streets of New York looking for something cheap to eat

 

They find a hot dog stand on the corner

 

Yakov exclaims,"OH,my god! here in america they eat dogs!!"

 

Alexsei sighs "well we are hungry and it is cheap,we will be living in america now so we should do like the americans do and eat dogs"

 

So Yakov and Alexsei get in line and order "Two dogs please"

 

Yakov peelsoff the aluminum foil wrapping and says to Alexsei "Ummmm.....Which part of the dog did you get?"

 

 

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Two snakes were slithering through the woods when the first snake says

 

"Damn!....i hope i'm not poisonous!"

 

The other snake looks at him and says

 

"why do you say that?"

 

First snake replies "becuase i just bit my tongue!"

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A man once asked God "God what is a million years to you?"

 

God replied "a millon years to me is like a second to you my son"

 

the man then asked God "God what is a million dollars to you?"

 

God replied "a million dollars to me is like one of your pennies my son"

 

after thinking for a minute the man finally got up the courage and asked "God could i have one of your pennies?"

 

God replied "sure my son....wait just one second"

 

 

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A man goes to the doctor one day after geting bit by a dog a few days earlier

 

after some tests were run the doctor informs the man.... "it seems that you have rabies"

 

after hearing this the man pulls out a pen&paper and starts writing down something

 

the doctor tell's him "sir theres no need for a will,rabies are very treatable"

 

the man replies "i'm not writing a will,i'm making a list of people i wanna bite!"

 

 

 

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A brunette is jumping up and down on some train tracks shouting "52,52,52,52!"

 

a blonde comes over and asks "can i join in?"

 

the brunette says "sure come on" so they are both jumping on the tracks now

 

the brunette sees a train coming and gets off the tracks

 

the blonde doesent move and stays on the tracks and gets run over

 

the brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping up and down shouting "53,53,53,53!"

 

 

 

 

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Three men die and go to meet st.peter he tells the 3 men "in order to get into

 

heaven you each must have something on you that relates to christmas"

 

the first man pulls out a lighter and says "its a candle" you may enter says st.peter

 

the second man pulls out his keys and says "look there jingle bells" you also may enter says st.peter

 

the third man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a pair of womens underwear

 

st.peter looks at him with a raised eyebrow huh.gif and the man says "their carols dry.gif "

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A family of blondes went on a road trip to Disneyland

 

after 18 hours in the car they came across a sign that read "Disneyland left here"

 

Disappointed they turned around and went back home blink.gif

 

SD

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Three men died and went to Heaven. They were standing outside the gates, and Saint Peter was giving away different transportation things to everyone, depending on how faithful they were to their spouse. Well the first one walked up, and Saint Peter said, "You sleep with other girls all the time, so I`m going to give you a pair of tennis shoes." So he gives him his shoes and he goes on into Heaven. Then the next guy comes up, and Saint Peter says to him, "You have been pretty faithful to your wife, but you were also bad some, so I`m going to give you a skateboard." So he gave him the skateboard and he went on into Heaven, just like the first. Then the third one got up and Saint Peter said, " You have been really faithful to your wife and been with her whenever you could, so I`m going to give you a hummer. The guy, really excited, grabs the keys and drives into Heaven. He pulls up to one of his buddies and starts talkin, when the guy with the hummer`s wife goes skating by on her skateboard. -redneck

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A brunette was walking down the bank of the river when she saw a blonde on the other side of the river

 

she yells out to the blonde "hey...how do you get on the other side of the river?"

 

the blonde look over at here and replies "you already are on the other side of the river" blink.gif

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Those Rowdy Irishmen!

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,

each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar

was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started

to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what

McQuillan had done,"what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the

Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives

 

I've Lost Me Luggage"

An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal

with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if

he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me

luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.

 

"Water to Wine"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for

speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's

breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He

says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The

trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle

and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

"The Brothel"

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the

brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into

the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of

the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the

other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin'

victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel,

and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls

must be quite ill."

 

"Irish Prayer"

Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when

he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something

wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood"

 

"You've Been Out Drinking Again"

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally

said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell

flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He

figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will

sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he

decided to crawl the four blocks home. When he arrived at the door he

stood up and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into

his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.

This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right

into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He

was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him,

shouting "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look,

and intent on bluffing it out he said, "What makes you say

that?" "The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Two men and one woman went to the CIA to apply to become agents

 

the agent giving the interview took them one by one down a hallway to a door

he then took the first man to the door put a gun in his hand and said

 

"your wife is sitting in a chair on the other side of this door,i need you to go in there and shot her....then we will be sure that you can carry out any orders we my give you without hesitation"

 

the man took the gun looked at the door and gave the gun back to the agent "i cant do that he said,you guys are crazy" and he walked off.

 

The agent walked the second man to the door telling him the same thing...the man took the gun went inside and came out a minute later saying "i'm sorry i cant do it i guess i'm not the man for the job"

 

then the agent took the woman down the hall told her that her husband was in there and what she was supposed to do.....she took the gun went inside and closed the door. A few seconds later he heard 3 gunshots followed by a loud CRACK then 20 more seconds of dull thuds and wood breaking.

 

the woman came out of the door all sweaty and out of breath, the agent asked her "WHAT HAPPENED IN THERE!"

 

the woman handed him the gun and told him " this damn gun had nothin but blanks in it so i had to beat the bastard ta death with the chair!" bugeyes.gif

 

 

 

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At least they are getting better.SD that was a good one.The wife stepped by and said she liked it to.

 

tt

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Man has a chicken farm with a 1000's hens.

Every rooster he buys dies trying to breed all of them.

 

Farmer down road has a roster that can breed them all and more.

 

one farmer ask the other the price.other says1000 dollars.

 

That is pricey but he buys him takes him home and gives the roster a pep talk.Now don't over do it the first day and lets him go.

 

Rooster takes of screwing every hen there.

 

Farmer lookes out and the rooster down by the pond doing everyduck there.

 

Later farmer looks out and that rooster is chasing a pheasant across the field gets a hold on it does it.

 

Farmer goes to bed wakes up looks out side see's rooster laid out in the field dead.

 

Farmer walkes out looks see's buzzerd's circling.i told you not to over do it your first day.

 

rooster looks up and say's quite i have them circling.

 

tt

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