Joke of the day

[DaUP 0]

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter was a very, very shapely lass, well endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

 

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady,” he began, “I would like three pickets to titsburg.” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and fled.

 

The second priest approached. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” So, of course, he also fled.

 

Then came the third. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh, and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” he continued, “if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger’s going to shake his peter at you.”

 

[DaUP 0]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the

Boss would not

allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I

acted "CRAZY" then he

would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside

down from the

ceiling and made funny noises.

 

My coworker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I

was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss

would think I was

"CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

 

A few minutes later the Boss came into the of*ice and

asked "What are you

doing?" I told him I was a light bulb.

 

He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and

recuperate for a

couple of days. " I jumped down and walked out of the

of*ice. When my

coworker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss said to

her, " And where do

you think you're going?"

 

(You're gonna love this.....)

 

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[DaUP 0]

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

 

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

 

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[DaUP 0]

A heartwarming story

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*king sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye doesn't it?

[DaUP 0]

[DaUP 0]

If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, and a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker, and a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper, what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea? A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy

[DaUP 0]

Most Friday nights at the Naval Station in Bermuda, we would assemble at

the officers club after work. One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign,

insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m. We all tried to talk him into staying,

but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for

Rick.

 

When his wife answered the phone, I said, "Rick has been kidnapped. Put

five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw

it in the door of the officers club." Then I hung up.

 

A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table. In it were

Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket and a teddy bear. Attached to the

bear was a note: "Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come

home

 

[DaUP 0]

 

 

THE MED SCHOOL NERD SCALE

 

The following scale has been developed in close cooperation

with the UVA psychiatry services (Well at least I was thinking

of some of their characteristics and used some of their class

time to compose it). It is designed to test if you have spent

too much time in medical school and whether you are having

adverse side effects due to prolonged exposure.

Score one point for each statement that applies to you.

 

1 You have ever said "Netter is god".

2 You can discuss autopsy/ anatomy over a meal

3 You own a 4 color pen

4 -it just isn't enough colors for you

5 You use more than one color to take notes

6 You have use up more than 6 highlighters in the past 6 months

7 you have ever highlighted something YOU wrote

8 you retype handouts given in class

9 you haven't had a date in 3 months

10 you haven't had a date since entering med school

11 you have not been able to remember the normal term for

something because you were thinking of the medical term (ie

reflux for heartburn)

12 You get more sleep in lecture than at home

13 You know the correct spelling for pruritus

14 - you also know what it means

15 You have ever asked a question in class

16 - The prof. didn't understand the question

17 - you didn't believe the answer the prof. gave

18 - you went to look it up to see if they were right

19 You can't hold a conversation on anything other than med

school

20 You skip class to study

21 You've said you didn't do well on a test on which you beat the mean

22 You spend more than 15 hrs a week on e-mail

23 You have a callous on you finger from writing

24 More than one professor knows you by name

25 When you ask a question, a new professor has said "Oh, I've

heard of you"

26 You can name more amino acids than past presidents

27 You use more than 5 acronyms an hour when talking

28 you actually know what PERRLA stands for

29 You know all the steps of the TCA cycle

30 You do not read PTA as parent teachers association

31 You can remember the muscles in the forearm

32 You know the strucures in the urea cycle

33 You know the dermatome distribution

34 You can't remember what you had for breakfast

35 You can't spell world, much less backwards

36 You've ever been sexually aroused by the breast shadow on an

X ray

37 You equate "morning stiffness" with Rhematoid Artheritis

38 You actually know normal values for plasma Na

39 -K

40 Missing class causes you extreme stress

41 You have seriously asked someone "So how does that make you

feel?"

42 You have asked will this be on the exam

43 -Just after the prof. said it wouldn't

44 You identify with Deb on E.R.

45 You have made a medical joke

46 -no one laughed

47 -You figure they just weren't that far in their studying

48 You wear your stethescope around your neck on the bus

49 - you don't even know which way the thing goes in your ears

50 "SOB" means short of breath to you

51 You have gone to student health with suspicion of a disease

you have studied

52 -within 3 days of the lecture

53 You have answered a question in class

54 -asked by the professor

55 -it was a rhetorical question

56 You can quote lines from the movie "Malice"

57 -you believe them

58 You can flip your pen over your thumb

59 - with both hands

60 - you do so throughout class

61 You have corrected a professor in class

62 -the rest of the class didn't understand the lecture to

begin with

63 You know how to claculate specificity

64 -positive predictive value

65 - anion gap

66 -you can't balance your checkbook

67 You don't know what the weather was like for the past week

68 You don't know what the weather is like right now

69 You actually talk in open ended questions

70 DIC isn't a slang term for the penis in your book

71 You think B- is a bad grade

72 you have stressed about a pass/fail class

73 You study during most of your meals

74 You saw nothing abnormal about the Obsessive-Compulsive

Disorder

75 You draw all of the slides not already provided in the

handouts

76 -including the cartoons (humourous type)

77 Anatomy makes you hungry

78 You would even consider saying "Ease back on my finger at

your own pace"

79 You know the size of a RBC

80 - you don't know the size of a football field

 

81 Your eyesight has worsened by 10 pts or more in the last year

82 You have the library hours memorized

83 Hou have your own seat in the library

84 You score more than 95 on the Epidemiology final

85 You own more than one white coat

86 You have debated between giving up sleep or eating in order

to find more time to study

87 You started studying for boards more than 2 months in

advance

88 You have never received a personal invitation to discuss

your grades with the dean

89 A tie is the only addition necessary to what you normally

wear when you go to see patients

90 You wear scrubs to tests

91 You have made plans to study on a beach during vacation

92 - you actually did

93 You have a designated seat in lecture

94 - You have ever asked someone to move from "your seat"

95 You sleep less than 4 hrs a night

96 -you think that is plenty

97 -you have thought about cutting back

98 You study more than 35 hrs outsid of class

99 -you think you are a slackard

100 You think everyone answers yes to most of these questions

 

 

Scale

<20 - You're not in Med school. Go back to your party and

leave us alone. We have work to do.

20-35 Either Med school is a breeze or you like the sound of

"Senor doctor"

35-45 Gotta love that Primary Care

45-60 Well, I never really thought about MD/Phd, but now that

you mention it...

60-75 Your social life is shot, might as well try to earn lots

of money

75-90 Which surgery subspecialty did you say you liked?

90 All hail, great Med School Nerd master.

 

[DaUP 0]

When a GIRL is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.

 

When a GIRL looks at you with eyes full of questions, she is wondering how long you will be around.

 

When a GIRL answers "I'm fine" after a few seconds, she is not at all fine.

 

When a GIRL stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying.

 

When a GIRL lays on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

 

When a GIRL wants to see you everyday, she wants to be pampered.

 

When a GIRL says I love you, She means it.

 

When a GIRL says, "I miss you," No one in this world can miss you more than that!!

 

 

[DaUP 0]

An indian guy, a creole man, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train.

The train suddenly goes thru a tunnel and .. it gets completely dark.

Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel.

The old woman, beautiful girl and the Indian guy are sitting there looking perplexed.

The creole is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The old woman is thinking : That creole guy must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped. The creole is thinking : "Damn it,that Indian man must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl, she thought it was me and slapped me instead."

The beautiful girl is thinking : "That creole must have moved to kiss me,but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped."

The Indian is thinking: "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that creole again.

[DaUP 0]

Life Before Computers

 

An application was for employment,

A program was a TV show,

A cursor used profanity,

And a keyboard was on a piano!

 

Memory was something that you lost with age,

And a CD was a bank account,

And if you had a corrupted disk,

It would hurt when you found out!

 

Compress was what you did to garbage,

Not something you did to a file,

And if you unzipped anything in public,

You'd be in jail for a while!

 

Log on was adding wood to a fire,

A hard drive was a trip on the road,

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived,

And a backup happened to the commode!

 

Cutting, you did with a pocket knife,

Pasting, you did with glue.

The Web was where a spider lived,

And a virus was the flu!

[DaUP 0]

Two men were driving through Minnesota when they got pulled over by a State Trooper.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

 

The driver rolled down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with

his nightstick. "What was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Minnesota, son," the

trooper answered. "When we pull you over in Minnesota, you better have your license ready

by the time we get to your car."

 

"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm from Wisconsin and didn't know your laws here." The

trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back. The

trooper then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls

down the window and "WHACK," the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

 

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied

the trooper. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know you

Cheesehead types," the trooper says, "two miles down the road you're gonna turn to your buddy

and say, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!' "

 

[DaUP 0]

Currency Exchange

 

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

 

Short line -- just one guy in front of me.

 

The guy in front of me was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change?, yestoday I get two hunat dolla of yen -today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

 

The teller replies, "Fluctuations."

 

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!

[DaUP 0]

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

 

The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

 

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.

 

Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address

 

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.

 

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

 

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

 

To My Loving Wife: I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

 

Your Devoted Husband.

 

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[DaUP 0]

:wallbash: wow i need to find something better to do