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Four Religious Truths:


1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.


2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.


3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the

Christian World.


4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.



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Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man, who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long.

One who thinks before he speaks, one who'll call -- not wait for weeks.

I pray he's gainfully employed, when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door, massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh, send me a man who'll make love to my mind. Knows what to answer to, "How big is my behind?"

I pray that this man will love me to no end and always be my very best friend.


























I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.



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And on this day God said:




Page 28 will forever be known as Art's joke................LOL




I'm LMAO at the line of black brats....lol

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Cajun Math Test


A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.


"What's this?" the boss asks?

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."


The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."


The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"


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Years ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.


The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage, hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".


Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.


Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"


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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was

severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.


So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.


The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.


After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!


One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"


"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek!"


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I think the life cycle is backwards. Here's how I'd fix it:




You should die first. You start out dead and get it out of the way.


Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.


You get kicked out for being too healthy, collect your pension,


and then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.


You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.


That's when you drink alcohol and party and are generally promiscuous.


Next comes high school. Then you're off to primary school,


you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities,


you become a baby.


Then, you spend your last nine months floating peacefully,


with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap,


larger quarters everyday, and finally . . . . you finish off as an orgasm.


I rest my case.



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One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.


The doctor asks her what had happened.


She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakenly picked up the iron instead of the phone."


"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."


"The bastard called again"



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> > Doctor's experiences> >


> >


> >1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her


> >baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,


> lifted the lady's dress,


> >and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I


> noticed that there were


> >several cabs and I was in the wrong one.


> >


> >Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


> >


> >2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a


> stethoscope on an elderly and


> >slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.


> "Big breaths," I


> >instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the


> patient.


> >


> >Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


> >


> >3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when


> I told a wife that her


> >husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.


> Not more than five minutes


> >later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the


> family that he had died of a


> >"massive internal fart."


> >


> >Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg , Manitoba, Canada


> >


> >4. During a patient's two week follow-up


> appointment with his cardiologist,


> >he informed me, his doctor, that he was having


> trouble with one of his


> >medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch.


> > The nurse told me to put on a


> >new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"


> >I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.


> Yes, the man had over


> >fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions


> include removal of the old


> >patch before applying a new one.


> >


> >Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


> >


> >5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly


> patient, I asked, "How long


> >have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete


> confusion she


> >answered "Why, not for about twenty years - when my


> husband was alive."


> >


> >Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


> >


> >6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's


> your breakfast this


> >morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky


> Jelly. I can't seem to


> >get used to the taste," the patient replied. I


> then asked to see the jelly


> >and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY


> Jelly."


> >


> >Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


> >


> >7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when


> a young woman with purple


> >hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a


> variety of tattoos, and


> >wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly


> determined that the


> >patient had acute appendicitis, so she was


> scheduled for immediate surgery.


> >When she was completely disrobed on the operating


> table, the staff noticed


> >that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above


> it there was a tattoo


> >that read, "Keep off the grass". Once the surgery was completed, the


> >surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said,


> >"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."


> >


> >Submitted by RN no name


> >


> >AND FINALLY!!!................


> >


> >8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I


> was quite embarrassed


> >when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my


> embarrassment I had


> >unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged


> >lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing


> >and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly


> >said, "I'm sorry.


> >Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were


> >whistling was, 'I wish I was


> an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."


> >


> >Dr. wouldn't submit his name.


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A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."


The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"





Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"




"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not

tolerated in this bank." The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.


The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"


"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."


"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a

hard time?"


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A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.




The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket.




She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will have to sit in the back.




The blonde replies, "I'm blond, I 'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."




The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy and won't move back to her seat.




The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.




The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here."




The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.




The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."




He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh, I'm sorry." and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.




The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.




I told her, "first class isn't going to Houston."



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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always

wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he

buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and

says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"


Bessie looks him over, "Nope."


Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into

the room completely naked except the cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little

louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"


Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,

it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."





To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda' bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda' bought a


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an elderly couple on their 50th wedding anniversary returns to the golf course where they exchanged their vowes and consummated their marrige. while they were taking a walk down the course they decided to go into the bushes and have sex at that course 1 last time.


the couple grabs the fence and start going at it like a couple of jack rabbits in heat and then fall to the ground!


the greenskeeper sees the whole thing and goes to talk to them.


he says," I'm am not a peeping tom but how does a couple your age still have the energy to have sex like that?"


the couple replied" what energy! who put up an elertric fence around the club house?"


:hyst: :thumbsup: :eek:

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One heck of a poker player here.


One night Bill was playing poker with Joe and his wife. Bill dropped something under the table and noticed that Joe's wife wasn't wearing anything Under her skirt. Later that night Bill was in the kitchen and Joe's wife came in and asked if he liked what he saw. He bashfully admitted yeah. Then she said for $500 he could (insert what you think). After thinking about the moral and financial aspects he agreed to the deal. She said Joe leaves for work at 8 a.m. so show up at 9:30.

The next morning as agreed he showed up and made the exchange. When Joe got home he asked his wife if Bill had come by today, she causiously admitted that he had come by. Then Joe asked if Bill had left $500 dollars, thinking this was about to turn bad she admitted that Bill at left $500.

Good, he came by this morning and asked if he could borrow $500 and he would pay me back today.


Now that's a poker player.


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