Joke of the day

[Guest]

Subject: Talking Clock

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his

friends late one night.

When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the

bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied.

He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering whack, and

stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,

"You asshole, it's ten past three in the morning!"

 

 

[bentflyrod 0]

Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say

 

1. Well, how 'bout that?...I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

 

2. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

 

3. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car-GO CRAZY.

 

4. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

 

5. Your mother and I are going away for the weekend...you might want to consider throwing a party.

 

6. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies-you know-that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

 

7. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.

 

8. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

 

9. Father's Day? Aaahh-don't worry about that-it's no big deal.

 

[Guest]

 

The Pope drives

 

 

 

 

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo,

 

(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still

standing on the curb.

 

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take

 

your seat so we can leave?"

 

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive

at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

 

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if

something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone

to work that morning.

 

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

 

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph.

 

" Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but

 

the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

 

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,

 

but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets

 

on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

 

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a

limo going a hundred and five.

 

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the

cop.

 

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

 

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

 

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

 

Cop: "Bigger."

 

Chief: "Governor?"

 

Cop: "Bigger."

 

Chief: "President?"

 

Cop: "Bigger."

"Bigger that the President?" said the Chief, "Who the Hell is it?"

 

Cop: "I think it's God!"

 

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

 

Cop: "He's got the friggin Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

 

 

 

 

[Joe Hard 0]

Good one!

[bentflyrod 0]

Subject: GM vs Microsoft

 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

 

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

 

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

 

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

 

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.

 

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

 

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

 

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

 

Send to a friend!!

 

BFR

[Sean Juan 0]

Peyton Manning, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Colts flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, Peyton," said God.

"This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

 

Peyton felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a blue and red sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Patriots logo flag, and in every window, a Pat Patriot towel.

Peyton looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I hold many NFL records, and I even went to the Hall of Fame."

 

God said "So what's your point Peyton?"

 

"Well, why does Tom Brady get a better house than me?"

God chuckled, and said "Peyton, that's not Tom's house, it's mine."

[pennscreekrules 0]

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?

 

About four beers

[bentflyrod 0]

12 Signs You've Joined A Cheap HMO!

 

1.Staff physicians include Dr. Who, Dr. Kevorkian, and Dr. Demento.

 

2.Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

 

3.Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

 

4.With your last HMO, your birth control pills didn't come in different colors with little "M's" on them.

 

5.Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

 

6. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

 

7. Your kidney transplant surgery is held up while your surgeon awaits his arraignment for grave robbing.

 

8. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

 

9. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

 

10. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day".

 

11.“Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo..

 

12. You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

[ArkieFlyGuy 0]

The local fly club built a trout tank to display trout at local events. Upon completion, they put two German Brown Trout in the tank to test how they would hold up.

 

Minutes later, one of the club members overheard one of the trout say to the other, "You man the guns. I'll drive."

[jonnyrotten 0]

Blond pic

[jonnyrotten 0]

Would you drive this truck if you were a plumber?

[Fly1 0]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.

 

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables,

horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly

shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he

hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five

gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with

glee.

 

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping

in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all

went to the deep end.

 

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you

leave!"

 

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies

swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket

up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

 

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

[bentflyrod 0]

Points To ponder!!

 

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

 

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

 

Why do you park in a driveway and drive in a parkway?

 

Why do doctors call what they do practice? Shouldn't they be good at it by now?

 

What happens if you drive at the speed of light and turn your head lights on?

 

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

Why is it that when the batteries in your remote control wear out you just push the buttons harder?

 

What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

 

How come there aren't B batteries?

 

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

 

Why does Mickey Mouse wear pants and no shirt while Donald Duck wears a shirt and no pants?

 

How do a fool and his money get together in the first place?

 

BFR

 

[Guest]

 

GOLF

 

 

 

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,

became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he

saw

a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his

confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you

must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine the same thing happened and he approached her again

with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, and you are a hole

behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her and

returned to his play.

He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the

lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew

the

lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the

course often.

He approached her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my

appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady ....

well, I

am in sales also. What do you sell?"

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No I wouldn't," he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.

 

"Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax."

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his

breath. She said, "See I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied, "I'm a toilet paper

salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you!"