Joke of the day

[Graham 0]

[KVRNut 0]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

 

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around, noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it-- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt." "That's when I made my big mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor.

 

"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that!"

 

 

 

[bentflyrod 0]

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.

 

We don't have any, replied the first blonde.

 

Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses. said the Game Warden.

 

But officer, replied the second blonde, we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river.

 

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. Well, I know of no law against it, said the Game Warden, take all the debris you want. And with that, the Game Warden left.

 

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. What a dumb Fish Cop, the second blonde said to the other two, doesn't he know that there are steelhead trout in this river?!

[Redleg 0]

Friendship Between Women:

 

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that

she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10

best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

 

Friendship Between Men:

 

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had

slept over at a mate's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best

friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed

that he was still there.

 

 

[Indyflycaster 0]

Ok

So its our anniversity! My wife says she's wants to go to some place thats expensive.

So I take her to the GAS STATION!

[Sean Juan 0]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but

think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly,

"Yes, that I am"

 

The first guy says, "So am I

 

And where about from Ireland might you be?"

 

 

The other guy answers,

"I'm from Dublin , I am."

 

The first guy responds,

"Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in

Dublin ?"

 

The other guy says,

"A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old

central part of town."

 

The first guy says,

"Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.

And to what school would you have been going?"

 

The other guy answers,

"Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

 

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,

what year did you graduate?"

 

The other guy answers,

"Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

 

The first guy exclaims,

"The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!

I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar

tonight.

Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

 

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a

beer.

 

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,

"It's going to be a long night tonight"

 

Vicky asks,

"Why do you say that, Brian?"

 

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

[harleyhunter 0]

You should do this every week. More often if you spend a lot of time on computer!

 

 

 

! I was shocked to see this works! To recalibrate your mouse, click and hold on the S. Then drag the S toward the e. If it doesn't work, you might want to clean your mouse.

 

S top farting around and go do something constructive

[Redleg 0]

Dr. Phil Was Conducting A Therapy Session With Four Young Mothers

And Their Small Children. "you All Have Obsessions," He Observed.

 

To The First Mother, He Said, "you Are Obsessed With Eating You've

Even Named Your Daughter Candy."

 

He Turned To The Second Mom. "your Obsession Is With Money. Again,

It Manifests Itself In Your Child's Name, Penny."

 

He Turns To The Third Mom. "your Obsession Is Alcohol. This, Too,

Manifests Itself In Your Child's Name, Brandy."

 

At This Point, The Fourth Mother Gets Up Takes Her Little Boy By

The Hand And Whispers, "come On Dick, We're Leaving. "

 

[Redleg 0]

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes

into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The

doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat

around the bush. You have AIDS." The cowboy tugs at

his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc,what can I

do?" The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5

pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20

un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno

peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of

Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of

prune juice." The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders

and asks, "Will that cure me,Doc?" Doc replies, "No,

but it should leave you with a better understanding of

what your ass is for."

 

[Graham 0]

It was the first day of school and a new student

named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur,

entered the fourth grade.

 

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some

American history.

 

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro,

who had his hand up.

 

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

 

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who

said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not

perish from the earth?"

 

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham

Lincoln, 1863."

 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you

should be ashamed!

Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more

about its history than you do!"

 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

 

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm

gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who

said that?"

 

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the

Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

 

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah?

Suck this!"

 

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and

shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

 

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, teacher said,

"You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

 

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice,

"Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

 

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered

around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG

trouble now!"

 

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

 

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro,

someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: Dick Cheney 2006!

 

 

[Steeldrifter 0]

:hyst: :hyst: :thumbsup:

[Steeldrifter 0]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, Watch that wall!!!

 

[AlG 0]

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy

class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery

table with the body covered with a white sheet.

 

The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is

necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

 

The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human

body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his

finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in

his mouth."

 

Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

 

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually

took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on

it.

 

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle

finger and sucked on my Index finger.

 

Now learn to pay attention!

 

:hyst:

[Redleg 0]

Two rednecks walk into a bar. While having a beer, they begin to talk about their

 

trucks, when suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to

cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

 

One of the rednecks looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" the woman shakes her

head no.

 

"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

 

The redneck walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her

drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

 

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of

her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the redneck walks slowly back to the bar.

 

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't

niver seen nobody do it!"

 

[bentflyrod 0]

Everybody who has a dog calls it something like "Rover" or "Spot" or "Bruno" But I thought I'd call my dog "Sex."

 

Now my dog, Sex, has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too". Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said that I must have been quite a kid.

 

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the hotel was for sex. So I finally said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

 

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I told him, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." HE called me a show-off.

 

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I told the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

 

Last night Sex ran away. I spent hours looking for him around town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I told him, "I'm looking for Sex."

 

My trial comes up Friday