Joke of the day

[KVRNut 0]

Bubba and Junior

 

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

 

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

 

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement & announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

 

Bubba and Junior are currently doing government work supervising the reconstruction of the New Orleans levees.

 

[KVRNut 0]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then . . ."

 

He sighed................"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box."

 

 

[AlG 0]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...

 

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

 

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

 

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

 

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

 

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

 

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

 

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

 

8 Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

 

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

 

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

 

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

 

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

 

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

 

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

 

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself and will soon be typing "LOL" upon forwarding.

[Guest]

 

 

 

 

A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

 

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed.

 

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

 

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

 

"Did you help him?" she asks.

 

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

 

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

 

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

 

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

 

"Yes" comes back the answer.

 

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

 

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

 

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

 

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

 

 

 

 

[polock 0]

I HEARD THIS TODAY AND NEARLY PISSED MYSELF: DON'T READ IF YOU GET OFFENDED

 

What four animals do you get after great sex???????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two tired asses, one wet pussy, and a dead cock

[Joe Hard 0]

A redneck walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts

> the alligator upon the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.

> > >

> > > "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my

> > manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute then

> open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing

> this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

> > >

> > > The crowd murmured their approval.

> > >

> > > The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed his

> > > Johnson and related parts in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his

> mouth as the crowd gasped.

>

> After a minute the

man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard

> on the top of it's head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his

> genitals unscathed as promised.

> > >

> > > The crowd cheered and the first of the free drinks were delivered.

> > >

> > > The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone

> >$1,000 who's willing to give it a try."

> > >

> > > A hush fell over the crowd.

> > >

> > > A blonde woman quietly spoke up.......

> > >

> > > "I'll try it, but don't hit me so hard with the bottle!"

> > >

 

[Joe Hard 0]

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/05/ruralorurban.html

[KVRNut 0]

Posted In Memory Of Red Fisher.

 

T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE FISHING

 

T'was the night before fishing,

When toast after toast,

Finally left no one sober,

Not even the host.

 

The whole camp was in turmoil,

The gear was piled deep.

And the dishes from dinner

Were stacked in a heap.

 

And the poker chips jingled.

And the cards flashed bright,

To the bleary eyed players,

Glued there for the night.

 

Course the stories were flying,

Complete with damned lies.

Like the fish that Jake mentioned,

He landed on flies.

 

Or that sexy achievement,

Slim made with that Chick.

That he savorly bragged of,

With "Hic" after "Hic".

 

Like the one when Mike scrubbed out

Results of that scare.

When he ran to the outhouse,

And into a bear.

 

Or the one of the Musky,

Max told with a gloat.

That leaped high for his spinner,

And fell in the boat.

 

Yes the stories were flying.

And the gang was unwound.

As their pent up emotions,

Spilled out all around.

 

Then a Loon called out loudly,

From far in the lake.

And in sudden awareness,

It jarred us awake.

 

Each man of us now knew it,

Was time to turn in.

For tomorrow we'd battle,

The surge of the fin.

 

Just the stillness of darkness,

Remained to make clear.

T'was the night before fishing,

For another long year.

 

-Red Fisher

 

[Guest]

 

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

 

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when

you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the

face.

 

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been

with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex

anywhere, even in the kitchen.

 

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been

with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you

usually have sex only in your bedroom.

 

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been

with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway

you both say "screw you".

 

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot

stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws

you in front of everyone.

 

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the

morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

 

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kid of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a

little each month. But not enough to live on!

 

 

 

[Redleg 0]

http://strangecosmos.com/

[Guest]

 

 

 

 

Cussing 101

>

>A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know

>what?" says the 6 yr old. "I think it's about time we started cussing."

>The 4 yr old nods his head in approval. The 6 yr old continues, "When

>we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and

>you say something with 'ass'. The 4 yr old agrees with enthusiasm. When

>their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 yr old what he wants

>for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some

>Cheerios." WHACK. He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen

>floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother

>in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in

>his room and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you out!" She

>then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 yr old and asks with a stern

>voice,"And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know

>now" he blunders, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

 

 

 

[Guest]

 

 

<>NURSING HOME

>

> Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge

> around the nursing home,

> taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long

> corridors.

>

> Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other

> residents tolerated

> her and some of them actually joined in.

>

> One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky

> Clarence

> stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm

> voice. "Have you got

> a license for that thing?"

>

> Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and

> held it up to him.

>

> "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the

> corner near the TV lounge

> on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP!

> Have you got proof of

> insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster

> and held it up to him. Harold

> nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am."

>

> As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of

> her, Butt-Naked, and holding

> his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

>

> "Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

 

 

 

[flyfishpj 0]

That one is hilarious. I will have to use that.

[bentflyrod 0]

BEER, FISHING, SEX & GOLF

 

A man was walking down the street when

he was accosted by a particularly dirty

and shabby-looking homeless man who

asked him for a couple of dollars for

dinner.

 

The man took out his wallet, extracted

ten dollars and asked, "If I give you

this money, will you buy some beer with

it instead of dinner?"

 

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"

the homeless man replied.

 

"Will you use it to go fishing instead

of buying food?" the man asked.

 

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the

homeless man said. "I need to spend all

my time trying to stay alive."

 

"Will you spend this on greens fees at

a golf course instead of food?" the

man asked.

 

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless

man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

 

"Will you spend the money on a woman in

the red light district instead of food?"

the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy

bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

 

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to

give you the money. Instead, I'm going

to take you home for a terrific dinner

cooked by my wife."

 

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't

your wife be furious with you for

doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I

probably smell pretty disgusting."

 

The man replied, "That's okay. It's

important for her to see what a man

looks like after he has given up beer,

fishing, golf, and sex."

 

 

[TerryLee 0]

 

Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

 

"What did it say on the banners?" Bush asks. Mahmud replies, "ALLAH IS GOD, GOD IS ALLAH."

 

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

 

"What could you see on the banners?" Mahmud says. Bush replies, "I don’t know, I can’t read Hebrew."