Joke of the day

[Graham 0]

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

 

MODERN VERSION: (For those with a properly developed social conscience) The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

 

 

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody

Cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green." Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing "We shall overcome". Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake. Tom Daschle & Walter Mondale exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share". Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act", retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

 

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits

Of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Vote Conservative!

 

[MIKE*A 0]

I got this on my office e-mail today...........Mike

 

 

A Texas Chili Contest

 

 

 

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the

first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

 

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.

They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

 

 

The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was

visiting from Springfield, IL.

 

 

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

 

 

Here are the score cards from the event: (Frank is judge #3)

 

Chili #1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor, very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy Shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

 

 

Chili #2 - Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken

seriously.

Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 

Chili #3 - Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent Fire house chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting

shit-faced from all of the beer.....

 

Chili #4 - Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or Other mild food, not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 lb woman is starting to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!

 

Is chili an aphrodisiac?.

 

Chili #5 - Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili, Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

 

 

Chili #6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of

spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.

Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous Sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

 

Chili #7 - Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho hum, taste as if the chef literally threw in a can of

chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he

is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

would not feel a thing. I've lost sight is one eye and the world

sounds like it is rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing... it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

 

Chili #8 - Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, and fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

[Steeldrifter 0]

Two redneck hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their truck. Another hunter approached pulling his along . "Hey," says the lone hunter, "I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the opposite direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the lone hunter left, the two rednecks decided to give it a try. A little while later one says to the other.......

 

"Ya know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yep," the other added, "but we're gittin' further away from the truck...."

[Marty 0]

Sven was reading the paper at work on his break when he discovers his lottery ticket won. So he quits his job and leaves. On the way home he calls his wife Lena.

"Lena I just won de lotto, pack your suitcase!"

"Sven das woonderful do I pack da warm clos or do I pack soomer clos"

"It don matter Lena as long as your gone when I git dare"

[Silver Bullets 0]

small joke a friend told me....

 

 

Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic

 

[Guest]

Today is my daughter's 18th birthday. I'm so glad that this is my

> > last child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those

> > payments! So I called my baby girl, Kareesha to come over to my

> > house and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you

> > to take this last check over to your mother's house and tell her that

> > this is the last check she's ever going to get from me and I want you

> > to come back and tell me the expression that's on her face".

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > So my baby girl took the check over to her. I was really anxious to

> > hear what she had to say and what she looked like. As my baby girl

> > walked through the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"

> >

> >

> > "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy and watch the

> > expression on your face

[Serial Fish Killer 0]

 

Gone fishing

 

A day at the beach. On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of

days off to visit the coastal area for some sightseeing. He was cruising along

the sea wall on Galveston Isle in his Pope mobile RV when suddenly he notices

a frantic commotion just off shore. There was John Kerry struggling

frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. As the

Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with two men aboard.

One of the men, President George W. Bush quickly fired a harpoon into the

shark's side while Dick Cheney reached out and pulled the bleeding,

semi-conscious John Kerry from the water. Then using (autographed Round Rock Express) baseball bats, the two heroes beat the shark to death and hauled it

into the boat. Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

“I give you my blessings for your brave actions” he told them. “I

heard that there was some bitter hatred between President Bush and John Kerry, but now

I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.” As the Pope drove off, President Bush asked Dick “Who was that?” “It was the Pope.” Dick replied. “He is in direct contact with God and has all of God's wisdom” Well, President Bush said, he may have access to God's wisdom, but he doesn't know shit about shark fishing................how's the bait holding up?

 

 

 

[Bear Coat 0]

LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA FARM KID, NOW AT PARIS ISLAND

MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT

 

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

 

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot

and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

 

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc. but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus

yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

 

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

 

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

 

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable

and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

 

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from

over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds

and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.

 

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

Your loving daughter,

Betty

 

[Guest]

The Sunburn

 

 

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible

sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being

diagnosed with second-degree burns. He was already starting to

blister and in agony.

 

The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and

electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

 

The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"

 

The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

[Guest]

[Fly1 0]

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a

husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men

increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

 

 

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to

choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back

down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some

husbands...

 

 

First floor

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women

read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not

loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

 

Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are

extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's

further up?"

 

 

Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good

looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,

"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

 

 

Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,

are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong

romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be

awaiting us further on!

 

 

So up to the fifth floor they went.

 

Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove

that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we

hope you fall down the stairs."

[Guest]

That's great

 

Although I would have to admit I think I would belong on the 5th floor

[artimus 0]

[Graham 0]

 

 

Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One had a Crucifix in front of him, the other one had the Star of David. Many people went by and looked at both beggars, but put money only into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Crucifix. A priest came by, stopped, and watched throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Crucifix, but none gave to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally, the priest went over to the beggar behind the Star of David and said, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Crucifix. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

 

The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the beggar with the Crucifix and said,

 

 

"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Ginsberg brothers about marketing."

 

[Guest]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding,

and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in

general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer

uncomfortable.

 

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,

and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing

around his head.

 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies

there, are ya?"

 

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said- "Well

yeah, if thats what they are-I never heard of circle flies."

 

So the farmer says-"Well, circle flies are common on farms.

See, theyre called circle flies because theyre almost always found circling

around the back end of a horse."

 

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the

ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a minute, are

you trying to call me a horses ass?"

 

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect

for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a

horses ass."

 

The trooper says, "Well, thats a good thing," and goes back

to writing the ticket.

 

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them

flies though."